But Then I Met Her | ✓

Chapter 50

I shut the door behind us and kick off my shoes. "Want some water?" I ask.

"No thanks." She keeps her hands in front of her, looking at the floor.

"You okay?" I touch her cheek, my fingers in her hair. I smile and kiss her. I push her jacket from her shoulders- what's the point in wearing it? It's really warm in here. She flinches when it hits the floor and pushes me back, the whites of her eyes a bright red, like she's going to start crying. She covers her face with her hands.

"What? What's wrong?" What happened in her fear landscape? Then something else hits me- maybe she just doesn't want me anymore.

She shakes her head, as if to say that nothing's wrong. It's a lie.

"Don't tell me it's nothing." I'm surprised by how cold my tone is. I grab her arm. "Hey. Look at me." She takes her hands from her face and lifts her eyes to mine. I cover my hurt with my anger, clenching my jaw and tightening my free hand into a fist. I would never hurt Tris, but holding my hand like that, as if I can squeeze out all of my anger, helps.

"Sometimes I wonder," she says, her voice calm and flat, "what's in this for you. This...whatever it is."

"What's in it for me?" I repeat. I shake my head and step back, letting go of her arm. I like her, what the hell does she think? "You're an idiot, Tris."

"I am not an idiot. Which is why I know that it's a little weird that, of all the girls you could have chosen, you chose me. So if you're just looking for...um, you know...that..."

"What? Sex?" I scowl at her. I speak without thinking. "You know, if that was all I wanted, you probably wouldn't be the first person I would go to." She's not like that- not to mention that it's completely against everything she's learned for the past sixteen years. 

She looks as if I just hit her. She presses her hands against her stomach and looks away, the whites of her eyes turning red. She thinks I mean something else- that of course I wouldn't want to have sex with her, she's not anything special. She blinks and lowers her hands, looking up at me. "I'm going to leave now." She says quietly, and turns toward the door.

I think fast. "No, Tris." I grab her wrist and pull her back towards me. She tries to push me away, but I grab her other wrist, our arms crossed between us. "I'm sorry I said that. What I meant was that you aren't like that. Which I knew when I met you."

And anyways, we're both from Abnegation. Isn't sex for anything but reproduction frowned upon there? Or did they change the rules after I transfered? 

"You were an obstable in my fear landscape." Her lower lip wobbles. "Did you know that?"

Everything inside of me is crushed. "What?" I release her wrists, unable to hide how I feel about what she just said. Now I want to cry. No, scratch that- I want to break something. "You're afraid of me?" How could I ever be in a relationship with her if she's afraid of me?

"Not you." She bites down on her lower lip. "Being with you...with anyone. I've never been involved with someone before, and...you're older, and I don't know what your expectaions are, and..." she trails off.

That confuses me. She thinks that I've had sex before? Have I come close? Sure, I mean, but that was a mistake. I was drunk or something, and a girl took advantage of that. And I've kissed before, sure, but really. The lessons that I learned in Abnegation still cling to me tightly. She should understand that more than anyone.

"Tris." I say sternly. "I don't know what delusion you're operating under, but this is all new to me, too." And by new, I mean this- the electricity between us, my reactions when she comes into a room that I can't explain- all of that.