I cant even... Connor Franta. (fan fiction of course)

Chapter twelve... I'm not feeling creative.

I've been laying in my bathtub all night. I turned the water off a few hours ago... But I just couldn't pull myself together enough to get out of the shower. 

I know,  I know. It was just a nightmare. People have them all the time, and typically they don't resort to sleeping in a bathtub... But,  I rarely break down. I don't cry. I don't curl up in a ball. I don't shut people out. I grin and bare it. But, right now while no one's around.... I took a break from that. I'm not crying, or avoiding people... I'm just there. Soaked to the bone... thinking. And that scares me. My mind scares me. 

"Babe?" I hear Izzy's voice worriedly call. I don't know if I should reply or not. She won't make fun of me... But I don't know what she'll think. 

"Here..." I mumble, partially hoping she didn't hear me. I hear her footsteps pad against the hardwood. They become louder and louder until she finds me. Her face was both sympathetic and loving. She didn't look confused, although if I was her I would be. She just looked... Like my best friend. 

"Well. I assume someone slept well last night." Izzy joked, trying to make me feel better. She sat on the closed toilet seat that was right next to the bathtub, admiring her hair in the mirror. 

"I guess you could say that." I sighed. I should get up. But I really don't want to. 

"I've spent my fair share of night's in a bathtub too." She confessed to me. I was shocked. She's always strong like me, I can't imagine her in this position. 

"Why?" I weakly asked her. 

"My parent's fighting... My dog dying... Past loves..." She glanced at me after saying that last one. "Sit up." Izzy commanded me. I obeyed, and sat up, hugging my knees to my chest. Izzy sat down next to me in the same position. "Wanna talk about it?" She faced forward. 

"Nightmare." I paused, and took a breath. "Everything I'm scared of took place. And Connor was the one who was scaring me the most." I put my face in my hands, and leaned my head on my knees. I sounded so stupid. So weak. Like a wimp. I'm pathetic. 

"Damn." Isabelle sighed. "Guys suck." She laughed. I half heartedly laughed back. She's right. They do. I decided at one point while lying alone with my mind that I don't love him. I won't allow myself to love him. I just can't put myself, or him through that again. I don't want a relationship. I just can't. 

"I'm done with trying to love someone. I'm just not ready." I stated and looked over at her. She nodded her head. 

"Me too." She agreed with me. I guess that was sort of a promise we made to each other in that moment. Neither of us have ever had the best experience with love. It ends painfully. 

We both eventually got up and started our days. I showered, for real this time not like I did last night. I pulled my wet hair up into bun, and put on a pair of jean shorts and loose v-neck shirt. That's when I saw Connor's sweater laying on the end of my bed. I forgot I had it. Crap. That means I'll have to give it back. This kid doesn't even know that he's made me feel awful within the past two days. It's not his fault, I guess... I blame the dark parts of my mind. They're killers. 

I picked his sweater up and dragged my feet downstairs to where Isabelle was eating cereal on the couch. I held it up for her to see and she shook her head. 

"That's how guys get a second date." She winked at me with her mouth full. I just laughed and threw it over the back of the sofa. I guess I'll just get this over with. I went back upstairs and did my usual routine for makeup, except I skipped bronzer, lipstick, and eye shadow. It wasn't that kind of day. I slipped on a pair of ankle length converse, and didn't bother with my hair. I trudged back downstairs, spun around for Isabelle for her to see my amazing outfit, and grabbed his sweater.