I cant even... Connor Franta. (fan fiction of course)

Poor kid. Chapter 13.

"...me?" Connor somewhat upset-ly clarified. I feel bad, I really do. But I'm not lying to him. I can't lie to him, I promised I wouldn't. I also promised myself I was done trying to love someone. I'm not breaking either of those promises. If that means I have to tell him the heartbreaking truth, so be it.

"Yes." I squeezed my eyes shut. He had crossed his arms, and was just staring at me in disbelief. I couldn't take it anymore.

"Okay." He half mumbled/half stated. I heard his footsteps start to back up to the wall he was previously leaning on. I slowly opened my eyes, and saw him sliding down the wall onto the floor, with his legs sprawled out in front of him.

"I don't know what else to say." I crossed my arms as well. This is awkward but what am I supposed to do, just leave?

"You're not the only one." He leaned his head back against the wall. "Am I allowed to ask why?"

"I guess so." I breathed in and tried to think of how I would explain this to him. I can't go too in depth with my life and previous experiences, or tell him about the nightmare I've had about him.. But I need to get my point across.

"I'm scared of love, Connor. I really am. I'm scared of all that it entails. You have a responsibility to that person, you give your time to them, you give your heart to them, you give your life to them and they give theirs to you in return. I can't handle the responsibility of someone else's heart. I can't give someone else my heart, cause I don't have one. I'm a heartless person, that people shouldn't love. I don't know how I survive these days, and I don't want to drag some person along with me, and have them give me their heart to survive on. I won't make it, and neither will they. This isn't love yet Connor, but I know it'll get there. I will love you. And I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid of you." I paced as I told him every word. I hadn't looked at him at all the entire time, but I stared down into his eyes with those last four words. They were flooded once again. Flooded with darkness.

"Well. Everybody's afraid of something. Or multiple things." Connor told me. "Some people are afraid of sharks, yet they still swim. Some people are afraid of lightning, yet they still dance in the rain. Some people are afraid of car crashes, yet they still drive to get places. Some people are afraid of love.... But they feel it anyway."

"You're right. I do feel it. And it doesn't feel how I want it too. I feel sick and afraid." I decided to sit down next to him. Could be the last time I allow myself to talk to him. Might as well get comfortable.

"How do you plan on fixing that problem?" He curiously asked, turning his head to face me.

"I avoid it." I looked back at him.

"You do avoid a lot of things." He smiled. It was misleading because his eyes screamed something else.

"I wish I was someone else. I wish I had a beautiful complexion. A skinny appearance. An outgoing personality. I wish I had a heart to give to you." I helplessly smiled back at him.

"I wish you realized just how imperfectly perfect you really were." He moved his foot slightly to tap the top of mine. I felt as if I was going to cry. I only felt that way. I wouldn't allow any tears to be shed in front of him. He needs to know this is what I want. To be away from him. To not be attached to him. But the thing is, I don't want it. I need it more than I want it. And those two things, should always be equal.

"Well, kid." I got up and started for the door. He hopped up and opened it for me. I walked through, nodding at him as a thank you. I turned around and he stretched his arms on either side of the door frame, partially leaning out towards me. "I guess this is goodbye." I started to turn around when I heard Connor cough.

"One more thing.." I faced him once again, and right in that moment he pressed his lips on mine. He put his hands on my neck, and I just automatically wrapped my arms around his waist. It was like we had done it a million times, and this was nothing new. I felt that electricity buzz throughout my vains. My whole body felt light, almost as if I was floating. The electricity powered that feeling of nothingness. Like I was standing there and it didn't matter who I was. Or what I looked like. Because he couldn't care less what the size of my jeans are. I was nothing floating there. He was nothing too. The two of us separately didn't matter. But we mattered to each other. It was a weird feeling, I couldn't describe it to the point of it actually making sense. But I'm not good at describing things. He pulled away and smiled down at me.

"That was so cheesy." I muttered and rolled my eyes.

"It worked, didn't it?" He cheekily grinned.

"Not for that reason." I mumbled into his chest. He just triumphantly smiled and laughed.

"So. What are we gonna do about this?"

"I don't know. I guess I can try and see where this goes. But I can't make you any promises, Conner. If I walk away, I walk away. You don't stop me. And we slow this thing we have way down. I've only just met you and we're like making out. Let's go back to tapping toes. Maybe it'll progress soon. Deal?" I looked up at him. A small part of me regretted saying that. I really shouldn't have. That part of me probably knows best. But it IS a small part. The bigger parts were drawn to him. And they make all the decisions.

"I suppose that can work." Connor jokingly sighed. "So what are we exactly?" That's a good question. He asks a lot of questions.

"Middleschoolers." I stated. He gave me a confusing look. "You know when you're in middle school and you have a crush on someone, and you find out they 'like' you back? Well, you have a somewhat silly relationship. You play footsy, you leave each other cute notes, you flirt, and if you're lucky, you hold hands. We're middleschoolers."

Connor laughed and replied back with:

"I can't wait 'til we're college students."

~Author's note: AHH! Over 800 reads?! Whatttt?!? Thank you guys so much!! I really hope y'all like this chapter, and it was good! I'm really tired and uninspired as I'm writing it, so I hope you guys still enjoy it! .xx luv u.

P.S. Will y'all do me a huge favor and check out my friend: rj_hamilton's book Prophecy of the Red Moon? She's been going through some difficulties with it, and getting discouraged if she should continue to write it and stuff... She's already taken it down once... Anyway, she'll be reposting it sometime this Saturday I believe, so please keep an eye out for it!!~