I cant even... Connor Franta. (fan fiction of course)

Where do I go from here? (19)

"What do you need, sweetheart?" I heard my mom's muffled voice through my bathroom door. I shook my head even though I knew she couldn't see my reaction. I remained laying on the cold tile of my bathroom, my back to the locked bathroom door.

"Nothing." I tried to say calmly, as opposed to my slightly hysterical self on the inside. "Unfortunately, nothing you can do or say to me right now will help. I'm sorry." Her feet shifted on the hardwood, and a slight sigh fell from her lips. 

"I love you." She told me simply. Those words threatened tears to fall from my eyes, but I wouldn't allow this situation to do that to me. I've been strong for way too long to let myself succumb to that. 

"I know." I replied. "I love you too." With that, I heard her footsteps pad away from the door. 

The coldness from the tile was the only thing that brought me back to reality every time I felt my mind slip away. It's so dramatic, all of this. I never asked for this. And I'm torn between wishing this had never happened, or being grateful for what we had while it lasted. I shouldn't have ever let it go on as long as it did. I should have stopped it forever ago. I guess it's good I didn't let it go any farther... But I miss him. It's not the physical being of him being gone for an hour from me, it's who he is. I missed him even when he was sitting right next to me, and that's the worse way to miss someone. I knew he had to leave, and if only I had treasured him more while he was here. But it's better this way. He doesn't need me. He never needed me. I'm sure he realized that. I'm nothing he could ever need or want for that matter. He'll be perfectly fine without me. I've convinced myself that, because I'm sure it's the truth. But that stills leaves one loose end untied. Why did he try to stay? Why was he fighting back? I just don't get it. I'm not worth that. 

I spent the day like that. Curled up in a ball on the floor of my bathroom. Not bothering to get up and look presentable, because what was the use? I had no one to impress. I had nothing to do. I'd rather wallow in my self pity. I told myself I would just waste today, then be done with feeling bad about myself. I wouldn't spend several weeks in the grieving stage as most couples do that break up. I'd just waste a full day. Tomorrow I'd get up like nothing ever happened. But for now I'm just gonna lay here, helplessly. Because I needed a day. Just one day. Not to grieve as much as to think. And lay unconscious. And not necessarily sleep, because that implies dreams. And I wasn't dreaming, I was still completely aware of the world around me, I just didn't move, and as opposed to when I was conscious, I didn't think. My mind was blank, and I laid staring at the white tile underneath me. My breathing painstakingly slow, and my eyes threatened to close. But I didn't wish to sleep. I wanted to suffer in the most painful way. In a way where you feel almost nothing at all. Where you question whether you're really alive at all. 

So there I lay, until I heard a knock on the bathroom door. I considered the possibilities of who it could be... Not my mom, because I told her I wasn't hungry and didn't intend on getting up any time soon, not my dad cause I don't think he'd be able to deal with me in this state of depression again, and there's not many more people who would care enough to come see me. 

"Hey Antisocial Sloth, you gonna open this door any time soon? Or do I have to do that myself?" I heard Izzy's sarcastic voice, pretending like she was annoyed. I didn't bother to argue because I knew she would come in anyway. I also didn't bother to open the door, because I didn't feel like moving, and she's coming in anyway, so. I just remained emotionless, my fingertips tracing the blue square on the bathroom tile. My fingers have become too accustomed to this design. 

She poked her head in, with a smile on her face, until she saw my motionless body laying on the floor. That smile dropped quickly. 

"Are you dead?" She touched her foot to my side. 

"I wish." I sighed. She quirked her head towards me with a confused look on her face. 

"And why's that?" She asked, surprisingly somewhat cheerily. 

"It wouldn't make a difference to me." My eyes and fingers remained focus on the neverending square's pattern on the floor. 

"Care to elaborate?" 

"Part of me already is. A big part I might add. So why can't the other half just die peacefully already?" I lifted my eyes to her expressionless face, and realized I shouldn't have said what I did. I sound like I'm suicidal. She'll probably end up getting me a shrink.

"...because I need you. Your mom and dad need you. Connor needs-" With that last name I abruptly sat up.

"Don't." My voice shakily spoke out, cutting her off. My mom's hand softly tap on the door. 

"There's someone on the phone for you." She smiled at me. I didn't feel like talking to anyone, but I also didn't want to have to make my mother lie for me, just because I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself. 

"Alright." I attempted to smile, for her benefit. I stood up, with difficulty, since I had been in the same position the whole day. I gave Izzy a look as if to say, "we'll talk about this later." She replied with a small nod. 

I picked up the phone that we kept in the hallway, and started to speak. "Hello?" 

"Oh, Hayden! Thank goodness I got a hold of you!" The voice seemed to be quite frantic. 

"Mrs. Franta?" I questioned. 

"Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, dear, it's me." She responded, her country accent becoming quite noticeable. 

I cleared my throat before speaking again. "What did you need from me?" I tried to ask politely, but I really just wanted to know what she was so hysteric about. 

"It's Connor, dear. I'm worried about him." My heart started to beat faster, and my palms were getting sweaty. He must not of told his mom that we had broken up. But I'm partly glad he didn't, or else I don't think she would be calling me right now. And just like her, I'm worried for him as well. 

"Are you guys home?" I asked, trying to remain calm. 

"Yes."

"I'll be right over." 

"Good." With that, we both hung up. I started towards my bedroom, when I realized that Izzy was still in the bathroom. I gave a quick knock on the door and pushed it open. 

"What's the matter?" She asked, becoming aware of my nervous state. 

"Connor." I breathed out, before turning on my heels and heading towards my room. I needed to put shoes on, and grab my keys. I didn't care if I looked presentable or not. I already had makeup on from this morning, and a tshirt. I slipped my boots on, tucking my sweatpants into them. I walked out of my room, heading downstairs, when Izzy grabbed my wrist. 

"What?" I urgently asked, not wanting to waste time. 

"Are you sure this is a good idea, Hayden?" Her eyes searched my face for any sort of regret or agreement. 

"I thought you wanted me to go back to Connor?" I asked confusedly.

"Well, I do. But I'm worried for how you might react to seeing him. I don't know. Something just doesn't feel right." 

"He won't hurt me, Izzy." I shook off her hand and continued down towards the front door. 

"That's not who I'm worried about." I heard her voice echo down to me. I paused for a second, then flung open the door. Her words racing around in my mind. 

What did she mean? 

~Author's note: AHH. IT'S BEEN SO LONG!! IVE MISSED YOU! D: D: D: Well, I hoped you liked the chapter. I'm on holiday where I live, so no school for me for a week :D So, I figured I'd finally update. hahaha. hope it didn't torture you too much xx~