I cant even... Connor Franta. (fan fiction of course)

Chapter fourteen. Feels like forever.

About a year has passed since that day when I decided Connor and I were middle schoolers. I know, it's a big time gap, but honestly, nothing interesting has happened in my life. Or his life. Or Izzy's. Life's just been normal, nothing exciting has been worth telling. Same routine every day.

I did go back to school near the end of August, and I finished my last year of high school. I hate school. But I'm going to college soon. I've applied to a lot of places but I was lucky enough to get into Stanford. It was a huge honor to be accepted. The thing is, I don't know what to do with my life yet. I decided I would go for a year, and try to figure out who I am. If I didn't know by the end of this upcoming school year, I'd drop out. Or if I did know, I'd either stay at Stanford, or if it doesn't provide the academics for my future life, I'd switch to a different college. Growing up sucks. But being a teenager sucks too. I don't know which to choose.

Connor and I aren't in a relationship. I know, I know... "What?! How can you not be in a relationship?! You have to be together by now! It's been like a year!" I get it. It's shocking. I don't know what to think about it. It's not because I don't have feelings for Connor... Because I do. I really do. Maybe it's love, maybe I just care for him. We haven't talked about progressing our relationship. It's strange. He hasn't brought it up, and neither have I. It's not that we haven't been hanging out or being with each other, we've just not gotten serious. We don't hold hands... We don't kiss... He doesn't put his arm around me... Or rest his hand on my leg... We don't wrestle or take cute tumblr pictures... None of that. We communicate through our eyes a lot, we playfully make fun of each other, he taps my toe and I tap his back in return... We watch movies at his apartment until two in the morning, but most of the time we're just talking and laughing. We avoid all relationship junk. Or maybe I'm the one avoiding it. I don't really know.

I was currently sprawled out on Connor's couch, waiting for him to get back from the bathroom so we could continue watching our favorite show. Connor shares an apartment with another OurSecondLife member, Ricky. I'm not exactly best friends with Ricky, but we do talk. Especially when Connor falls asleep when we're watching movies.

"I promised myself I wouldn't pressure you into anything, knowing that you might get scared and back out..." Connor announced as he came from out of the bathroom. I sat up, curious as to what he was saying. "But I have to ask, Denny. What the hell are we these days?"

This is coming out of nowhere. I hadn't hinted at anything and neither had he. Like I said before, we just didn't talk about that sort of thing. I must of jinxed it. Crap. I stood up to meet his level.

"What do you want us to be, kid?" I sighed, not really knowing how to answer his question. I didn't know what we were. I didn't know what I wanted us to be either.

"I want us to be in love! I want us to be together! Maybe we are in love right now, but we sure aren't showing it." He told me. He was kind of angry, but calm at the same time.

"We don't have to show that we're in love in order to be love, Connor. We don't have to hold hands and make out to prove to people that we are a couple. We can be in love for ourselves. That doesn't mean we have to do all the lovey dovey stuff everyone does." I used my hands to express how I was feeling. I was passionate about this sort of thing. I didn't know if we were in love either, but if we are it doesn't mean we have to do all that intimate stuff to prove it. We can just be in love.

"You don't think I know that?!" He loudly asked me. He started to move around the room, and I just stood in one place, helpless. "But I want to do that 'lovey dovey' stuff! I want to be able to kiss your cheek and lay with you! I'd like to be able to fricken touch you!"

I knew that's where this would lead. He never said he cared that he couldn't touch me, but I knew that was killing him inside. I just couldn't do anything about it. How do you transistion from such a long time of no touching, without it being awkward? I just didn't know. And I wasn't sure if I was ready for that commitment.

"I can't help it, Connor." I said. There was emotion behind those words, it sounded as if I was going cry. Tears can't enter this situation.

"I know you can't , trust me. And that's what bugs me. I keep waiting for you, and you're too far away. That makes me think you're not coming at all. Because I feel that if I have to ask if we're in love... There's no love between us."

"That's not true!" I broke my calmness and yelled. It wasn't necessarily at him, it was just so it was understood. So I made sure it was heard.

"I'm not sure I agree with you on that. Because if love isn't obvious, it's like we're just making it up. If I have to ask, it's only because I know the answer and I'm afraid of it." He shook his head hopelessly. He was breathing heavily from pacing back and forth so much, and being so upset. His words were shakey, and his voice was cracking. It was like he was going to break down at any second.

"Connor..." He stopped pacing and met my gaze. His eyes were like an old, weak dam that was tired of holding everything in for so long. I walked quietly over to him and held open my arms.

His tears began to fall and he put his arms around my neck, and I wrapped mine around his waist. He pulled my head close to his chest, and I held my arms around him tightly. I wasn't gonna let him go. That's what you do when people cry, you hold onto them. The hug itself isn't what matters, it's how close you are. It shows them that someone's there. I rubbed soothing circles on his lower back.

He sobbed, for the most part. The way he was breathing was heartbreaking to hear. You know when you cry and it takes a crap ton of effort to just breathe? You like choke on your tears and it's feels like you're choking on the air too, because breath isn't easily coming to you. He was making the most unbearable noises. Like he was struggling and in pain.

Most people are probably thinking that he's a wimp, and is pathetic... But I know that he's been holding this in for far too long. It's not just me and what were going through that's making him sound this way, it's everything from the past. Because he's a strong person, he really is. And he wouldn't be crying this hard over just someone like me.

"Shhh, babe. You're okay." I comfortingly whispered into his chest. He buried his head deeper into my neck, and held me closer to him, if that was even possible. "Just breathe. You're okay, baby." I continued to slowly rub his back. I felt his breath on my neck. It was warm, and made my skin tingle. I hadn't realized he had his face so close to me.

His cries were becoming softer, and it felt like he was calming down. His body was still shaking and there were still distinct tears, but they weren't as hard. Suddenly I felt something soft being pressed to my skin. It was a gentle feeling, but it was still there. I could feel the electricity faintly buzzing. He repeatedly kissed that little area on my neck. It was slow, but it was a good slow. I turned my face slightly so I could kiss his ear. We were just so close. It was a little overwhelming. We had never been this close for so long. It was like we were compacted together.

"It's okay, baby." I soothingly whispered to him. He rubbed his face onto his arm to get rid of the tears. He took a deep, skakey breath and pulled his head away to look at me. His eyes were all red and bloodshot, tears still stained his cheeks.

"Is it okay?" He seriously asked me, then sniffled.

"It is. I'm pretty sure I'm falling in love with you." I admitted. It was the truth, as much as it hurt for me to say it. I wanted to love him, I wanted that more than anything. But it wasn't something I should want.

"Pretty sure?" He weakly smiled at me, still partially serious.

"Like ninety-nine percent sure." I nodded at him.

"What about that last percent?" He teased me.

"I'm keeping it open in case of crisis." I shrugged.

"Well, you should add it to the other ninety-nine percent, because I'm in love with you too."

~Author's note: drama drama drama! ahhh! i thought it was a sweet chapter though. :) admitting their love is always adorabe. oh, and by the way... my friends (rj_hamilton & tayyyyyyyyyyy go check them out they write stories totally different then mine though!) suggested that i make an instagram for "I can't even.. Connor Franta" Let me know if that'd be something you guys would like. it'd all be for you. pictures of connor and teasers and stuff would be posted on it. just whatever ~stay awkward.~