I cant even... Connor Franta. (fan fiction of course)

You're my every breath. Chapter 21.

I couldn't sleep. Not with my brain that never shuts off. Its scary really, every corner, every inch of my brain. How it never ceases to bring back the worst of memories in the moment where I need the best ones. How it's a dark forest that thrives on the horrors and agony filled moments of my life. And that is why I'm still awake in the middle of the night with a heart broken boy wrapped around me, wondering how I made it here. And why I'm still here. 

I was slowly getting hotter and hotter, and I couldn't figure out why. I didn't have any blankets on or around me. The room was freezing earlier. The only thing I have around me is a sleeping Connor. Who I suddenly realized is sweating. I wonder if he's getting sick? I tried to turn over to face him, but when I started to shift his grasp on my waist became life threateningly- tighter. This was worrying me. 

"Connor, Connor, wake up--" I whispered, trying to pull away from his death grasp. While I was prying his fingers, he started to groan, and he then pulled his arm away from me, reaching for his pillow. Starting to thrash around. I got out of the bed and backed away, unsure of what was happening. It scared me, seeing him like this. It was like he was having a seizure or something.

He let out a scream, continuing to thrash around. It was loud and could've woken up the neighbors. He started yelling soon after, "Hayden, stop! No! Please don't do this! Hayden! Hayden!" I watched as he continued to shriek out my name and felt whatever was left of my heart crack into a million and one pieces. I climbed onto the bed, unsure of how I was going to approach this. 

"Connor! Connor, please wake up!" I whisper-shouted, trying to grab his arm, and poking him repeatedly. Nothing was working. He continued to cry out in pain, and I couldn't imagine what was going through his brain right now. As dark and twisted as mine is. I climbed on top of him, propping myself up on my arms that were on placed on either side of the bed by his head, along with my legs that were on either side of his waist. The sudden appearance of a barrier over him, snapped him out of it. 

His eyes shot open and his hands immediately grabbed my sides. He was looking around, like he didn't know where he was, breathing really hard. The grip on my waist even harder. 

"Hey, it's okay. Baby, come down." I lowered my weight down onto my elbows, and used my hand to brush the hair out of his face. He was shaking, a sight I had become accustomed to see. 

"I-I thought.. I thought you were--"

"Sssh. I'm right here. Don't think about it. I'm okay." I attempted to sooth him. I wanted to know what was he was thinking but I didn't want him to have to share it. 

"But you're not. You're so far away from me, I don't know if you'll ever come back." He pushed me off of him and laid me down where I was earlier. He stood up and started pacing the room. "I can't just let you go, Hayden. I don't want to, and I physically can't. That nightmare wasn't the first. I have them on those days when I saw in your eyes that you questioned this relationship. When you would sit on the opposite end of the couch to get space. When you would look away from my eye contact the entire day. I thought at one point it was just apart of who you are, but then I experienced those days where you seemed completely in love with me. When you would laugh at anything I said. And it wasn't a fake laugh, cause I could see the smile in your sparkling eyes. And it kills me to know that it wasn't what I thought it was. That  you don't really love me." He stopped pacing and shrugged with his arms, spreading them out in defeat. 

I took a breath in and closed my eyes for a second. 

"I lied, okay? I was curled up into a ball on my bathroom floor the entire day. I didn't cry, because I couldn't. I can't cry, I just lay there and feel numb. I didn't even think, I just suffered. I felt like I was dying because that part of my life that you were keeping alive was gone. And I pushed you away because I thought I had to..." I paused for a few seconds, "because I knew I had to. The numbness hit me like a full on wind storm, and I can't find a way to stop it. Or even slow it down." 

"Love is a confusing thing, and it confuses even the smartest of people. And hurts even the strongest of us all." Connor spoke out, quoting the same night that I had previously referenced. I smiled as much as I could. 

"You remembered." I continued to weakly smile, and that was all I could say in response to that. 

"Of course I did. It was the night I started to breathe again." Connor sat down on the edge of the bed with his back towards me. I sat up, crossed legged behind him. 

"Breathe again?" I repeated his words. 

"Yeah. I suddenly had a reason to live after so long of feeling like utter shit. After suffering for who knows how long. I had a reason to gather whatever I had left of my life and start a new one. To start a new life entirely for that reason, for my heart to beat just for that reason...For my lungs to breathe just for that reason."

"And what might that reason be?" I spoke out into the silence ever so softly. 

"You." He turned and looked at me. "I just wish I had realized it sooner."

~Author's Note: AH! I love you! Hope you enjoyed. <3 Happy Holidays even though they already kinda passed lol~