I cant even... Connor Franta. (fan fiction of course)

Well. This just got interesting. Chapter 15.

“I’ve said it a million times, Connor.” I sighed, not wanting to repeat this annoying curse that I’ve brought upon myself about three years ago. He stepped back from my arms and I backed up in the direction of the door, still facing him. 

“And I still don’t get it. But I respect it. You know that.” He replied back to me. He was right, he did respect my personal space. I’d swatted his hand a way less than a handful of times, but he didn’t seem hurt by it. It was probably just him forgetting who he was with, or maybe it was something more. Maybe it meant something. He had admitted he was in love with me. Which I was still shocked about. I didn’t understand why someone as seemingly perfect as he is could fall for a person like me. A heartless person like me. 

“What is there to not get?” I asked out of curiosity, not anger. I suppose I had been vague with him several times, but it seemed pretty easy to understand. Don’t touch me. Some bad things have happened to me in the past, so if you want to be around me, just don’t touch me. I hadn’t realized it would be that confusing. I figured it would bug him though. Being in front of someone and getting told not to do something only makes the mind and body want to do it even more than before. 

“I do get it.” He sighed, raising his hand to his hair, sticking his other hand in his pocket. “I just thought that you would eventually have some sort of trust in me. I’m not saying you have to tell me anything you don’t want to, but being able to hold your hand would be nice.” He stared into my eyes. I fiddled with the adjustable string on my grey sweatpants. 

“I can’t express in words how I’m feeling.” I eventually told him, shrugging my shoulders. It was true. I had all these emotions and thoughts running throughout my body, and I didn’t know how to say anything to him. 

“Well. That’s okay.” He sympathetically smiled at me, his teeth showing. I slumped down onto the couch, and patted the cushion next to me. He understood the signal and plopped down as well. 

“I want to have a life with somebody. I do. And saying that I keep myself guarded from love is true. But I’m not just doing it to spare the person I know I’ll fall in love with, it’s for me too. I guess that makes me selfish. I don’t want to tease myself with thinking I can have a love that’s all mine, and be let down. I’m not saying you’ll let me down, Connor. The opposite really. I think that I’ll be the one to let you down.” I shut my eyes and put my face in my hands. He was leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, and his fingers intertwined, looking at me. 

“I’ll be hurt by it, I’m sure. But the thing that would hurt me the most is knowing you feel even worse than I would. So it’s okay. You have to let love happen.” He weakly smiled at me. His encouragement meant the world to me. I still feared I would hurt him, but I took his advice and let the worry slowly dwindle down. I wanted him. I needed him.

“Let’s..” I lost my words mid-sentence. I couldn’t say what I wanted to. 

“Be together?” He suggested, finishing my train of thought. 

“Yeah.” I sort of regretted agreeing to it, afraid all of this was moving too fast. It had been a year since I met him, I feel like it’s plausible. Is that enough time to decide this sort of thing? I hadn’t been in a relationship in awhile. I didn’t know how this worked. I thought I should be able to let myself have something like this, but I didn’t. This kid is pretty persistent though. 

“Sounds good to me.” He triumphantly smiled. It sounded as though he had been fighting this war for ages and he finally won. He leaned back and stretched his arms out on the tops of the couch. Taking the remote in his hand, he pressed the play button for our show to start back up.