I cant even... Connor Franta. (fan fiction of course)

You're The Greatest Thing Ever. ~24~

A knock came from my door and I was too terrified to answer. I knew what was waiting for me. I knew what would happen eventually. I knew this was all wrong. So entirely wrong that I felt it. I felt it deep in my stomach and where my heart would be if I had one. In a physical sense, of course I have a heart. But in an emotional sense, my heart is long gone. Someone stole it a long long time ago, and it's never been replaced. I know I've said it before, but it still rings true. I don't have a heart to give away, and I told Connor that. And yet I'm still at fault for my heartless actions. And I don't know what to do. 

"Do you not love me?" A voice echoed through my door and into my room. I didn't know what to say. I just didn't feel anything. 

"I don't know anymore." I breathed out. A laugh was heard, but it wasn't a joke. Connor continued to jostle with the door handle.

"Why won't you let me in?" Connor whined. I wasn't sure if he meant physically or emotionally. I don't remember standing up and moving to the door, but something brought me there. I turned the handle to unlock it, and Connor forced the door open the rest of the way.  "Um. Are you okay?" 

"I'm so far away from okay. I don't even know what that word feels like." I sighed and flopped onto the floor, staring at the ceiling. 

Connor didn't know about Kian and I's endeavor. Kian hadn't told him, and I had been telling myself I didn't need to, but the guilt is telling me I need to. It's been a week since then, and you could say I've been trying to avoid Connor, but in reality, I was just avoiding heartbreak. 

Connor laughed at my sudden drop to the floor and joined me in the same position. He tried to interlock our fingers but I jerked my hand away, and retreated it to under my head. His face twisted into confusion for a split second, then played it off like he didn't care, even though I knew I was killing him inside. I kind of wished he would just break up with me from being all distant like this, so I wouldn't actually have to tell him what happened, but I knew he was too invested in me and cared too much to do anything along those lines. So maybe I should break up with him over being clingy, and this will all go away. Except I'm not so sure if I actually wanted him to go away. 

"Can I ask you something?" Connor innocently inquired. My physical heartbeat started to drum faster, even though I knew he had no idea of what I did with Kian. 

"No." I sighed blatantly. He can only kill me if I let him. 

"Well then, will you ask me something?" Connor turned to me on his side and propped himself up with his arm.

"Do you close your door when you sleep?" I blurted out. He seemed taken aback for a second but he quickly composed himself. 

"Uh-well," Connor coughed then continued, "No, I leave it open." 

"Oh." I whispered. "That's a shame." 

"What? Why?" His face twitched into a confused smile. 

"Don't smile at me." 

"I do what I want."

"I know you do, but please, if you love me at all, don't smile at me." 

"Why not-"

"Because I kissed Kian." The words fell out of my mouth. "I kissed Kian a week ago in his car when he gave me a ride home because I left your house at an ungodly hour. Well, technically he kissed me first. And I didn't react. But then I just furthered it because I thought that's what I wanted but turns out, I have no idea what I want. And it's just so fucked up. I'm so fucked up. And I'd say I'm sorry but I know it's no use, and I'm not sorry for what I did. I'm just sorry for how it's probably making you feel right now. I never wanted to be the cause for your pain but it seems like that's all I ever am and I'm scared to mean this much to you anymore and I'm just-" Connor forced his mouth on mine and lowered his body onto me.