I cant even... Connor Franta. (fan fiction of course)

Just because I'm smiling, doesn't mean I'm happy. (20)

I didn't know what I was expecting to see or what I was about to face, but I didn't care. I stood impatiently  on his porch, waiting for his mom or someone to open the door. As I was just about to knock again, the door swung open. 

"Oh, dear. Thanks for coming." Mrs. Franta let a breath out. I stepped forward and embraced her. I didn't bother at changing my facial expression to that of something happier, because I didn't really care about that. It's not how I was feeling, so why should I bother pretending? 

"It's no problem. So what exactly is wrong with Connor?" I rushed out. She attempted to smile, for my benefit. 

"It started about an hour ago," she was talking with her hands, "I heard him crying upstairs, screaming occasionally. I tried to knock on his door, but he just told me to leave him alone. Or he ignored it. I don't know what's going on, and I figured he couldn't ignore you." 

That was when I tried to force a smile onto my face, because my insides weren't exactly cooperating with me. I felt horrible, like I was gonna throw up. I didn't want any trace of that visible to her sweet eyes. I reached out and patted her shoulder. 

"I'll go talk to him." I didn't bother saying "I'm sure it's nothing," because what "nothing" thing could cause this boy so much pain? 

I started up the stairs, trying to think of what I would say if he would actually talk to me. I can't take him back, but I can't just leave him be. Crap. This was going to be hard. I stood in front of his door, taking in a few deep breathes before I softly rapped my knuckle against it. 

"Just go away, Mom." I heard him breathe out between sobs. 

"If I'm not your mom, do I still have to go away?" I joked, attempting to appear happy. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold that cover once I saw him, but there was no use in not trying. There were a few seconds of no talking, and rustling in the room before his door creaked open. We stood and stared at each other for a minute before either of us said anything. I took in his appearance. His hair was a mess, his face was red, and stained with tears, his eyes were puffy and depressed. "Hey." 

"Hayden." He grabbed my wrists and pulled me towards his body, wrapping his arms around my waist. I then wrapped mine around his neck, loosely. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for whatever I did. Denny, please-" He shakily mumbled into my neck, where his face was buried. 

"Sssh." I ran my fingers through his hair, attempting to calm him down. He continued to cry. "Connor,  you didn't do anything.. It's cliche, but it's me, not you. I should have known from the beginning to not let this go on as long as it did.." 

His head raised to look me in the eyes,  pressing his forehead against mine. It was wet from sweat and tears, and his breath was hard on my face, but I didn't mind. For a moment it was as if I forgot my no-touching rule, and just enjoyed this closeness. Before I did something I knew I would regret, I pulled away. 

"Stay with me." He looked at me with his rainy eyes. I felt like we were in a romantic scene of a movie, and opposed to most girls, I didn't like it. I felt awkward, self-conscious, and I didn't know what to say. I wanted to stay with him, but unlike the movies, it wasn't the obviously right thing to do. It couldn't have been the more wrong solution. 

"It hasn't even been a day, Connor." I shook my head and pushed passed him into his room. He gently shut the door behind us. I sat cross legged on his bed and looked up at him. His room was a mess, a broken lamp on the ground by his desk, his bed was torn up, clothes everywhere. How could I be the cause of this destruction? 

"And I couldn't even make it that long, Denny." He said, gesturing around to his trashed floor. "If you can tell me you just went on with your life after this morning, then I'll let you leave. Because then I'll know that this relationship really wasn't meant to be, and you didn't love me near as much as I love you." I had to lie. Or find a way around that question. Or... I don't know. I think if I jumped out his window the result wouldn't hurt as bad than what I'm feeling inside myself right now. I'm considering it. 

"I did, Connor." I choked out, quietly. I can't believe I'm lying to him. Flashbacks to my hours spent on the bathroom floor, motionless came to my mind. I shook them away. "I'm sorry. I'm just not meant for you." That window option was looking opportune currently. It can't be too far down. 18 feet, maybe? 

"But--" He kneeled in front of me, his head was placed in my lap, arms wrapped around my waist, crying once again. "Hayden, please.." 

"Alright, I'll stay for a little while." The words fell out of my mouth before I could even process them. I was rubbing slow circles onto his back, when I heard him start to sniffle and stop crying. His eyes then bore into mine.

"Realllly?" He stuttered, his eyes full of complete shock. 

"Yeah, I guess so. But only for a little while. I just can't--" 

"No, that's fine. I get it." He cut me off, a slight smile appearing on his lips. "We don't even have to talk. Just lay with me."

  I sighed as we both crawled up his bed and laid down. He reached down and pulled the covers up and over me. I made an annoyed sigh (again) and lifted them off me, turning to face him. 

"What? You don't have to sleep. That's not what I meant, I--" He started to fumble and rush out his words. I smiled weakly and put a finger over his lips. 

"No, it's not that. I just don't really like blankets around me, anymore. I feel like they confine me and close me in. Like I can't breathe. I already can't breathe throughout the day, and when I lay down at night, it just makes it worse." I looked away from his straining eyes. I love when people make eye contact instead of talking to their feet, especially if they have beautiful eyes, but for some reason I can't hold it for that long. It's confusing, but it makes me uncomfortable after a while. Like they're staring at the acne on my face, or thinking something in their head that I won't ever know..

"I didn't know that." Connor took my hand in his, intertwining his fingers in mine. 

"You don't know a lot about me, kid." I flipped my body back over so my back was facing him. 

"I'd like to know that stuff you seem to be hiding from me. I don't want to rush you, but I just want to be there for you." I analyzed the way he said each and every word. 

"Then be there for me, Connor. Don't make me talk. I've never been very good at talking. Just be here with me." I reached behind me, and grabbed his arm, and wrapped it around me. I heard his breath hitch in his throat, like he was unsure of what to do, like any movement he made would push me away. After a short period of silence, I felt his body inch closer to mine, and his hand fumble for mine, and his breath on my neck match the same timing as mine. 

It was a moment where we shared that lovely silence he said he loved so much. Our closeness meant a lot more to us than most people these days. We shared body heat, but I wasn't suffocated. I was confined, but it was the sort of confines that I thought I could get used to. It's a shame I can't. 

"I'm here with you." He said so quietly, that I questioned if I actually heard it. 

"Forever and always."

That time I knew I heard it, the butterflies in my stomach and tears that threatened to spill over, confirmed it.

~Author's Note: Adorable. Simply adorable. hahaha<3 here's that update I promised you... :)~