I don't know what's happening but I'm afraid everyone around me hates me and they are all pretending and I can't trust anyone and I don't know who will stick with me in life and how am I ever gonna trust a man or love someone fully when I'm always living in fear and distrust and loneliness and no matter what anyone says I can never believe them because I can never know for sure and I don't understand why I am like this and it's like a twisted version of trust issues and I wanna talk to someone but I don't know who to talk to and she is reaching out to me and I wanna talk to her but I feel like she secretly is really annoyed by me and all my constant problems and I shouldn't care and I should just have fun with life but I can't and I always think too much and I wanna someone who is so good at making friends and talking and I wish I could read minds so I could understand people and know who would understand and help me and I wanna be someone who is so carefree and fun but I can't enjoy life until I get over these doubts but I don't know how and I'm afraid to get too close to anyone or tell people anything because I don't think they would understand and no one understands but maybe someone would if I could trust them enough to tell them but I can't oh god and I just hope I'm wrong and that they really do like me because they're all I have and I don't know what I'm supposed to do and I have all this intelligence with nothing to do because I don't want a job that ever repeats itself like I need something spontaneous so that I am excited to find out what I'm doing each day and it will give me a good reason to live and I have no reason to feel sad this way because I am so fortunate and sometimes I catch myself trying to seek attention and that's not what this is about but then again maybe it is because I have no idea what this is but I don't even know who I am anymore because everything that I do I'm holding back so who am I when I'm not? am I funny am I happy am I confident do I have a lot of friends am I popular I'll never know and I can't just keep pretending like this isn't happening but I don't know how to stop feeling this way and it's driving me crazy because I might be like this for the rest of my life like will it ever stop at all and I can't tell who would care enough to help me figure this out and my mom just asked me if I wanted to have a friend over and I thought about it and I had to say no because I don't really have any friends besides the two that I've had for years and years and I can tell they like each other way better than me but I always invite them over anyways and I don't know if they're actually busy or if I'm just the annoying chick that no one likes and the only reason that we're friends is because they're nice people and they don't want me to feel bad and I'm not T's first choice because she has her school friends and her boyfriend and I can't even tell if F is my friend anymore she has changed a lot and her and her friend do everything together so I don't even see her and when I do she just snapchats her friend and her fuckboy the whole time and it makes me so mad because she keeps talking to fuckboys and flirting with them and I just don't want her to get hurt and my sports friends would never understand anything they would just think I'm weird and crazy and he would probably listen but I don't want to drive him away because right now he makes me happy because he talks to me and is always there and I love that so now I have no one to talk to except my mom and I can't even talk to her because she turns everything into a guidance counselor lesson and she never lets me be me and so all I have is music and books and since I'm a horrible and boring person to be around I can't just go out and make friends and so I'm spending my summer listening to sad playlists on 8tracks and feeling bad about myself and alone and no one cares enough to notice or at least join my pity party and I don't know if I want them to notice or not and so I'm sitting here texting this to myself because I have no one to send it to who would listen and my mom and dad think I'm super antisocial and that I just waste my life on the internet which if I'm being honest is what I'm doing but on social media I feel like I fit it and at the one direction concert I felt like everyone there understood me and it was the best night of my life but now it's over and it feels like I just dreamt of it and so I wanted to have that feeling all the time so I tried making fan accounts but they only got like one follower so today I saw this account giveaway for 5sos and I really really want it so I tried to write something to the girl who was giving it away and I sounded like such a weirdo and awkward person in it even though I tried my hardest and so now I'm never gonna get it and I wanted it more than anything but I ruined it for myself once again and I just hate myself and I would give anything to go back to the concert for that feeling of fitting in that I got but I can't go back and online finding and listening to music and reading fanfiction is the only thing I'm really good at and I can't even write my own and do you know how many times I've tried I just want to be good at something for once like singing or dancing or great at a sport because then I would get noticed and I would have something to be recognized by but no I'm just that weird chick that is awkward at parties and that doesn't have an iPhone like everyone else and that isn't good at anything besides homework but what is that gonna do in life people say that's the most important but I just wanna do something I love and be loved for that right now everyone just thinks I'm the smart know it all and I'd probably give up my intelligence for my happiness or for a great skill of some sort and I just wanna fit in and have friends and not be sad all the time but I can't I don't know why but I physically and mentally can't and so I just cry and I'm spending my whole life watching tv and obsessing over bands and things but why can my mind not obsess over my own life or something because I want to be able to happily live it and live it fully but no I spend hours on Netflix and Instagram and Twitter keeping up with other people's lives and it's not really living and I wish my life was exciting like the boys of one direction or a movie star or anything besides mine and the thing is mine could be exciting if it weren't me living it because I don't participate because I mentally can't and yes it sounds confusing and dumb but I'm confused as well so if you understand please let me know so I can live without camping out in my room and crying every night over fictional characters or singers or my inability to make a friend and keep one and trust that they like me so yes please help me be less like me and so I keep waking up and thinking to myself that I don't really wanna live today and I just want something exciting to happen because every day is exactly the same and there has to be more to life than this and now I'm in the car and I'm listening to music which is the only thing I love in life and I unbuckled my seatbelt to crack my back and I was about to buckle it again when I thought about it and honestly I would be perfectly fine if we got in a car wreck and I died like I'm not gonna commit suicide I'm just saying if a car was coming down the road at me I might not move and that seriously scares me so much and I think I need help but then I went on our boat and I looked at the water and the beautiful view and I thought how lucky am I to have something this gorgeous to look at and to have a boat and everything I have like I am really very fortunate in life so I shouldn't be sad but somehow the sad part of my mind wins over the happy part way too often and I don't know how to stop it and I can't even be a normal depressed person like I would never cut because veins and blood gross me out and apparently cutting makes some people feel better so what am I supposed to do when I'm sad and I'm so bored and I wanna FaceTime her but I feel like she hates me and that it'd just annoy her so I'm sitting in my room in the same spot I've been in for three hours and I hate when people don't answer me right away and I sound so high maintenance because people are probably out living their lives but I don't know if they don't text back I get even more self conscious and I feel like they are purposely not answering and I don't know it's always the same thing of not being able to see if someone is really your friend and likes you and she writes these beautiful paragraphs about how she's my friend but then I feel like she hates me because she never answers and I'm stupid to think that because she's just busy and I don't even know I'm making a huge deal out of all of these things I write and I hate that I write this and it needs to stop and should I send this to her and I need to stop asking myself questions and talking to myself because I'm crazy and this isn't healthy and I've been doing better now since I see them every day but she doesn't seem like she likes me like I don't know it's just weird but then she hugs me a lot and I'm so confused and I just wish I could read minds and I just never feel secure in any relationship so I have these feelings of jealously and replacement but I really don't want them like I just want to feel for one second that I don't need to watch what I'm saying in order for people to like me like I just want to say whatever comes out and people to like me for who I am but I feel like if I am who I am everyone will think I'm super annoying and hate me but they probably think that already and I just realized that I'm too trustworthy like I will honestly do anything for someone who I love and I answer people within seconds like is that supposed to happen or do I just have no life at all that I sit and respond so fast and I wish I just knew what people were thinking and what I should be doing in life because I don't feel like I'm really living but any time I'm actually out doing things all I can think about is that I can't wait to get home and listen to music and sit and just fall in love with music and I actually do that a lot because music is the one thing that never fails to make me feel less alone or make me happy or sad or anything like it helps you with anything it's the most amazing thing in the world I think but sometimes I don't think about that like sometimes I truly have fun and I can tell because when I'm doing it I don't have time to think about anything else and sometimes it's the place and sometimes it's the people but when it's the people it's my favorite thing because then I know I can trust those people and I don't mean trust them with everything just trust them to be there when I need to be cheered up well I don't really know that doesn't make any sense because just because they make me happy doesn't mean that they are gonna be there for me like S makes me really happy because he is so nice and he will probably be there for me but I never know and that's what I'm saying like I wish there was some way for me to know for sure but there isn't and it drives me absolutely crazy that I will never know like he could tell me a million times that he actually does like me and doesn't think I'm annoying or weird or clingy but I would never fully believe him because I can never know for sure and this fact will never stop bothering me or ever leave my mind so that's why I never feel secure in any kind of friendship and I can't anyone about this because well I guess I can tell them but anyone who I tell will be a part of this thing so it couldn't do anything if I told anyone because it won't change anything
