I think loneliness derives from disclusion. it starts the first time you don't get invited to something or aren't included in a group. it bothers you, but you shake it off. you're okay for a while, seeming to fit in and be liked. then it happens a couple more times. and you start to doubt yourself. do they not like me? am I annoying? but you still hang out with them and try to ignore it even though in the back of your mind, there's still sadness and discomfort. and once again it happens. and you talk to them but you can't ignore it anymore. you question some things you do when you're around them. you're quieter, scared of what to say in order for them to laugh or like you. you still hold on to them though. but then they forget to invite you another time and another. they do things without you. they start talking to new people. and when they finally remember you and you're asked to come over, you barely talk. the only things that come out of your mouth are carefully thought-out, and you still regret them the moment they come out. you dress differently and wear your hair down to hide yourself from rejection. you're there but it's not you anymore. because you're scared. you're scared to lose them and you're scared you already have. because every time they leave and you're left at home with your thoughts and your mirror, you spend your time picking out everything that they could possibly hate about you. and that's the loneliest part, when you don't even have you anymore. because you've used all that time to slowly hate yourself as well.
