Angelic Darkness //Alec Lightwood// (Editing)

Chapter 10- Goodbye

{This chapter has been edited}

Ten years.

I have lived in the New York Institute for ten years. I had trained, grown and learned everything I knew in these very walls. Everything I believed I had been had been drilled into me.

Everywhere I looked there was a memory, a corner I had hidden in when playing with the others as a child. The greenhouse had been my safe haven, the library had been where Jace and I relieved our earlier years.

Izzy's room was where I learned about fashion and boys and what it meant to have a little sister. The training room was where I learned how to survive and the center where I learned to offer aid. Max's room was where stories came alive, where I learned how to change diapers and spent sleepless nights making sure his nightmares stayed away.

The room I knew little about but would miss the most was Alec's room. It was only rarely did he allow me inside, usually after a harrowing day and I forced myself inside to look after him. That room was where fears were expressed and dreams realized. 

It was in that room that all the others passed through, seeking silence in a loud world. I would never find that silence. I would never reminisce with Jace about our father and how he died or his harsh teachings. 

I would never hear Izzy rant about everything. I would never teach Max about the greenhouse and how to properly take care of it.

In just a few short minutes, everything I had ever been would be lost. It was heartbreaking, but in the heartache I felt solace. All these years the feeling of being different was with me. The signs were painted brightly and only now did I allow myself to see them with clear eyes. 

The pain didn't leave but in the pain and fear there was understanding and I supposed that was enough to keep me from becoming a sobbing mess. Tucked away in my now old room and refusing to let go. 

It wasn't in my nature, to beg and bribe for things I could never have. But despite all this, despite all of the faux courage I dug from within myself, I remained sitting on a stone bench, staring at the lilies I had planted a lifetime ago.

"That's a look I prayed to never see." Hodge's soft voice pulled me from my thoughts, prompting me to see him sitting next to me. He clasped his hands together and rested his arms on his knees, leaning forwards just slightly.

"Why didn't anyone ever tell me?" I questioned, unable to look at him for any length of time. "Was I only kept as an experiment? To see if you could train a monster to behave?"

"You were never a monster." Hodge's sharp tone caused me to scoff. "Jarolyn, you are not a monster."

"I feel like one." I whispered, the color of the greenhouse seemed to be fading, growing dimmer. What a funny thing. "Did anyone ever love me?" I finally stood, turning to stare into his blue eyes. A grimace formed on his lips as he stood and placed his hands on my shoulders.

"I love you and I will always love you. What happened to you was not your fault and neither is right now. But you'll survive, I trust in you to always survive." His voice was earnest, tears began to gather in the corners of my eyes as his own eyes misted. 

"It's hard, learning the truth but here you stand, tall and strong, not even Jace has the strength you do."

"I'm scared." I whimpered, tears rolling down my cheeks as I tried to keep a sob from escaping. "I don't want to leave."