Discretion | Josh Dun

26| Aeipathy

☼ Josh

I could feel my surroundings before I could actually see them. Soon, small yellow splotched danced in front of my vision that was once completely black.  Slowly I could see clearly, but I didn't understand, I was pretty sure I was in my car, and while I felt like I was moving, I wasn't driving. I was feeling an overwhelming amount of things, the first thing I heard that didn't sound muffled, was her.  She was whispering small 'I'm sorry's' and other words of assurance, her voice was calm and sweet.  I attempted to speak, I felt like I was screaming, but nothing was coming out, I felt useless, and I could feel my head going dizzy again, making me drift back into unconsciousness.

By the time I woke again, Phoebe was leaning over me, her dark waves were pulled into a loose ponytail, and she was dabbing some of the multiple bruises and cuts with a rag.  When I winced her focused demeanor dropped as she looked to my eyes that were fighting to stay open.

"Oh my god Josh I am so sorry." her voice was laced with sadness as she leaned down to me placing a small kiss on my forehead, trying to avoid the blood trailing down my face. 

I looked up to her and took in everything I had been taking for granted, her large droopy eyes, her pink lips, everything.  She was so worried about me, her eyebrows seemed to be permanently pressed together as she worked her hands with fervor.  I couldn't see anything besides her, I didn't know how bad my injuries were, I could barely feel the pain at this point,  but I could see her, and I could feel her nimble fingered tracing my skin.

"P-Phoebe-" I attempted to speak, her name coming out dry and raspy.  I mentally cursed myself for her name not sounding as beautiful as it actually was.

She pulled her attention away from my cuts and bruises, her eyes had settled on mine.  I wanted to tell her how much she meant to me, I wanted to tell her everything, but for some reason I couldn't find the words.   She placed one hand on my cheek, the other still working to clean me up, she had since discarded my shirt, that much I could feel.  I felt so weak and vulnerable in front of her, I should be the one caring for her and instead I'm here like a vegetable, unmoving, unspeaking, and unworthy.  I spoke one word before I was slipping into the blackness that had become familiar to me. 'sorry'.

This time I awoke, everything changed: Everything ached and I didn't see the beautiful girl I had fallen so deeply for.  I attempted to raise my neck, but at this point I was still to weak to even talk. After a few moments my dulled senses caught up with my body and I could hear her, it was quiet, but I heard it clear as day.  She was crying.  I had made one of the most important people in my life cry, that was me, I causing pain like I always do.  I'm worse than a monster and she doesn't even know everything, she just thinks I have a mere personality disorder, she doesn't even know how bad it really is, how bad I really am. I heard the crying stop abruptly, possibly startled by my subconscious twitching and struggling. I was again blessed by her appearance, here nose was red and her eyes were puffy but she was still stunning.  Phoebe looked indescribable. she was making me feel things I didn't even know was possible, she was much more than a physical attraction.  I wanted to hold her, in the most innocent sense of the word, I wanted to hold her when she was scared, and I never want to be the reason she's upset again. 

"Josh just try to stay awake. Please." Her voice was soft as she begged for me to stay awake for her.

"I'm trying-" My voice was obviously weak, but my effort made her smile, and that was all that mattered.

I was trying so hard to fight the dizziness that was invading my thoughts, only when I thought of our first kiss, or even the first time I saw her, things seemed clear.  She has made it clear to me that I need her, she has made it clear that I can't lose her.  So I fought the urge to give into the sensation that leaked into my bones, I fought against the haziness, all for her.  From now on, everything I do will be for her, the pretty girl who has invaded my body, numbing my senses more than any drug ever could.

☼