Save You Tonight

32.

~July 27, 2016~

Harry's POV

As the end of One Directions break draws closer and closer, I'm starting to feel more and more pressure on needing to decide on what I want to do with my life. Do I want to stay on this path with One Direction and continue on with the familiar or do I branch out and try something new. Do I dare to adventure down a new path as a solo artist or try my hand in acting or something completely different? I love music, I love writing and performing, I don't think I could ever imagine my life without all that, so I think staying in the music industry is best for me. It's what makes me happy.

Will I still be happy staying in One Direction? We have had the best five years anyone could ever ask for and we have the best fans. If I were to go off on my own I would feel as if I'm letting every single one of them down and I wouldn't want them to feel like I don't appreciate every single one of them and everything they have done to support us. But, I feel like it's gotten to that point where things are changing, we are all getting older and wanting to find ourselves, Zayns departure from the group made us all question what we really wanted and I think that's what led us to this long break, so we can figure it all out.

It's been eating me alive the last few months. I keep going back and forth on if I want to go off and find me or stay with One Direction and continue down that path. I feel so guilty for even considering leaving something that has given me a life beyond my dreams, but I also don't want to lose myself along that path. I can't help but worry that if I go off on my own and I end up failing miserably, I won't have anything left. What if who I am is the person I am when I'm with One Direction? What if I only sound good with them? It's stressing me out completely and the only thing that has been helping me is Maci.

Just being around her drowns out all of my fears and insecurities, giving me a sense of calm that I haven't felt in a long time. Everything about her; her piercing eyes, her perfect lips, her beautiful smile, everything, enamors me and has me craving more of her.  The past couple weeks have been absolutely fantastic. Spending all the time I can with her while she's taking care of my grandmother has been my main focus, needing to get my fix of her and unable to wait until she's done work. The nights spent with her are amazing, full of deep conversations and laughter. It's so easy being with her. She doesn't look at me like I'm this huge celebrity and like she needs to get her photo taken with me or my autograph, she's not freaking out or being hysterical like some fans. Maci looks at me like I'm a normal guy and that's all I've wanted to feel. Normal.

Hearing Maci talk last week about things she read online broke my heart. One thing I feared was that the media and fans were going to get to her and she would run. Fans could be relentless and so could the media. Over the years I have learned to ignore those silly rumors everyone spread about me or the guys, knowing that I knew what was real and that was all that mattered. I hope Maci can learn to ignore them because I have become so emotionally attached to her already and I don't know what I would do if she decided she couldn't be with me. I will make sure to make her feel even more beautiful and make sure she knows that I want her and only her. I don't want her insecurities to get the best of her. Shoe needs to know how true my feelings are.

~~

It was hotter than hell in this house, the A/C doing little to cool the place down. I'm laying on the couch in the living in nothing but a pair of shorts. It's to damn hot to wear anything more. I'm on the phone with Simon and I'm trying so hard not to hang up and toss my phone out the window. He's getting after me about making a decision and he just doesn't understand how hard this is for me, how torn I'm feeling right now.