Save You Tonight

44.

Trying to get more sleep after the conversation with Harry was pointless and made for a very long  flight back to England.  This time i was glad he had to leave before me and board the plane first. It was weird enough having to talk with him about the plans when we got back to England. Since his parents and Gemma will be at work, we will have to take the same car home, which means we have to pull the same secretive maneuver we did when we got to LA. The one where I had to sneak my way to the car while Harry battled the crowd.

The crowd wasn't as bad as it was in LA but it was still enough to make me worry despite how angry I still was with him.  The car ride was long and full of uncomfortable silence.  I knew Harry was itching to talk to me, to try and start up conversation but I ignored his fidgety movements and focused on the passing scenery.

I dreaded going back home. Back to Gemma and Anne and Robin. Not because I didn't like them, but because they saw past my fake smiles and saw my lie in my every 'I'm fine'. I'm either going to have to tell them a shortened version of what happened or just work harder on perfecting my poker face. Either way it will be hard. Especially with Gemma, she is so stubborn that she will practically force me to tell her what's wrong.  Maybe it wouldn't hurt to talk to Gemma about this, she is my best friend after all. Plus every one is going to notice something is up when Harry and I get home and we aren't the same happy couple who left, it's not like we can hide it. 

I relax when we pull up to the house, glad to be able to go to my room and lock myself in for the weekend. The further up the driveway we go, i am able to notice the extra car parked in the drive way. Gemmas car. And it looks like she just pulled in since she is just getting out of her car.  Just fucking great.  I've been so stressed out since getting on the plane and during the whole ride home and I was exhausted. I just want to sleep and to forget the world for a little while.

When the car stops,  I waste no time in hopping out, grabbing my bag from Paul as he pulls it from the trunk of the car.  I don't even glance at Harry as I make my way up the walk towards the guest house. Gemma is walking around her car, her face lit up with a smile that soon falters when she notices my sullen mood.

"Hey guys! How was your flight?" She asks with uncertainty. I know she wasn't sure what to say, especially when I just passed by her without a word. "What did you do Harry!" I hear her yell at Harry as I make it to the guest house door. I didn't listen to what else was said between them, I was to desperate for a shower and sleep. 

~~~~~

After a quick shower, I curled up under my blankets, popping in my earbuds and pressing shuffle on my phone. I laid there with my eyes closed, letting Halseys voice drown everything out. Though it wasn't enough to drown out the pain.

A week that was suppose to be a fun, exciting week turned out to be only half that.  It was great right up until the end.  How did we go from saying I love you to needing time to figure things out? Things went from one hundred to zero real fast and it was so confusing.  My head was spinning with every possible negative emotion. I was sad, angry, annoyed, defeated, ashamed, the list is endless.  My life feels like it has been turned upside down again after righting itself from the last turn. It was like an endless cycle for me, something good will happen and then something bad. I found Kaleb and he was nice at first just to turn into an abusive ass. Then, I meet Harry, he's charming and sweet and so incredible patient, and he ends up hurting me the way he did. 

It makes me question love and if it's just something people say out of necessity or if it's real and is something you truly felt. I know that what I feel for Harry is all consuming, that every fiber of my being is drawn to him like no other. I know I can truly say what love for me feels like and I know I truly love Harry. It just doesn't excuse the fact that he went and danced with Kendall like that, just days after telling me he loved me and that I had nothing to worry about with him and Kendall. How was I suppose to think nothing was going on between them when they were dancing like they were that night? It didn't look like nothing. Drinking may make him more handsy but it also makes him stupid. I definitely don't like drunk Harry.