Save You Tonight

47.

~August 23, 2016~

Time. Something people always wish they had more of. Something they wish would speed up or slow down. Time is precious, it's valuable. If people could go back in time they would. I would go back in time if I could. I would go back before I even met Kaleb, back before I let myself get treated like shit. But if I went back in time I wouldn't have met Harry. Or Gemma and Anne. I wouldn't have met the people who have become like family to me. In a short amount of time, I met someone who has become a mother figure, someone who I have become to trust and love. I've also gotten to meet Gemma, who has become like my sister, as well as my best friend. And I've gotten to meet Harry. Someone who has become a huge part of my life. Someone who makes me question everything. Makes me question my own decisions. Makes me question my own feelings and whether they are real or not. He makes me feel things, things I've never felt before.

If I were to turn back the time I never would have been looked at the way Harry looks at me. I would never have been held the way Harry held me, the way I missed so much the last couple weeks. I would never have felt so safe and protected. I never would have been to the aquarium, or the amusement park. I would never have been to LA. And I never would have been hurt the way Harry hurt me. I never would have spent the last two weeks going over everything, going over every last detail of the last couple of months leading up to that horrible night at that club. I thought about every little thing Harry has done for me, everything he's said. All the little looks he would give me, and how he would always find little ways to touch me, like brushing hair out of my eyes or running his hand along my lower back. I thought about how my heart always raced whenever he looked at me, whenever his hand would brush against mine, or when his lips were pressed to mine. I thought about whether or not any of these things made the one terrible thing Harry did a little easier to forgive.

I was stuck between not wanting to give in and really make sure I'm not going to get hurt again and wanting to forgive him and get back to feeling safe again. I feel scared and anxious and stupid and confused all at he same time and it's not the greatest feeling. I'm scared that if I go back to Harry without really thinking things through thoroughly, I will end up getting hurt again. I don't want that. I can't get myself in a position again where I'm stuck and afraid. But I miss him. I miss Harry so much. I don't care if that's messed up but I do. I know I pretty much see him every day but it's not the same.  I want to be able to kiss him and hug him. I want to be able to have him hold me at night and make those horrific dreams go away. I want to hear him tell me he loves me.

But I can't do it.  Not yet. I think I need more time.  I think.  No. No, I know. I know I need more time. 

~~~~~~

The last couple days have been pretty hectic. Between moving Caroline's room downstairs into Robins office and trying to get Caroline situated and comfortable and getting her to take her antibiotics without choking, the last two days have been a blur. Thankfully today has been a little calmer and Caroline has seemed to settle into her new environment. I didn't like changing things up on her when she has already been so confused but it was to dangerous to have to upstairs. Even though she hasn't been up and about very often, I still think it was a good idea, just in case.  She was sleeping right now thankfully.  Anne told me she had a rough night last night, coughing and very restless. I feel terrible that there isn't more that I can do except make sure she's comfortable and that she gets her medication.

I decided that it was time for me to look for a car, that I can't depend on everyone for rides anymore.  So, as I sit at the kitchen counter and sip my cup of tea, I'm scrolling through the mass of cars for sale, all the numbers and random facts about each car getting more confusing with each car I click on. Too bad I couldn't just pick a car based on how nice it looked on the outside.