Save You Tonight

46.

~August 20, 2016~

Maci's POV

It's been two weeks since Harry and I had talked and it hasn't been as awkward as I thought it would be, but I pretty much saw him everyday so that might be why. He's kept his distance, not hovering over me and making me feel rushed into making a decision. We would make small talk and he still always tried making me smile which didn't take much. He's been making breakfast every single morning, having it all ready by the time I got to the main house to take care of Caroline.  At first I felt bad because it was still difficult for me to eat but as the days went on and he continued to make it, whether I ate it or not, it was actually really nice to spend that time with him in the morning. After breakfast he would retreat to his room or the gym, where he has been spending a lot more time lately.  He gives me space and isn't constantly seeking me out. If we meet in the kitchen it's fine, it's not weird. I actually like talking with him and seeing how he's doing.

I've still been having terrible nightmares. They are either of Harry saying I'm not good enough or they are of Kaleb hitting me. I have a hard time falling back asleep after waking up from one of those so I go to the gym and work out my frustrations on the punching bag, which I'm getting pretty good at. I can feel myself getting stronger, my arms more defined, my endurance improving. I've watched training videos and added in some kicks to help switch it up a bit. I would have asked Harry but I think it would have been hard to have him teach me, especially how things went the last time he showed me how to use the punching bag. 

My weekends were usually spent up in my room, binge watching tv shows and hiding out under the covers. I just couldn't find the strength to get out of bed, it was hard enough having to get out of bed for work. At least during the week I had Caroline as motivation to get up, on the weekends I didn't have to do anything if I didn't want to, I could stay in bed all day. Gemma didn't like how I locked myself in like I did but she didn't force me to do anything, knowing I needed the time alone to get my thoughts straight. I made sure that, once I started eating again, I had dinner with her every night, just so she didn't think I was giving up completely.

It's been hard, trying to overcome the feeling of betrayal, that wretched heartache that comes with seeing your boyfriend with someone else.  For days it felt like my heart was sinking, drowning in the misery that my mind kept thinking about. After the first week, things got a  little easier. I think seeing Harry every day and seeing how much he was hurting and knowing how horrible he felt helped me. It let me see that I wasn't the only one effected by his actions. I could see that he regrets what he did, I see it eating away at him. Judging by the dark circles under his eyes he's not sleeping either. It let me see that he does care and that maybe he does love me like he says he does.

I feel ridiculous for warming back up to Harry, considering how badly he hurt me. What Kaleb did to me is unforgivable and I could never go back to him and I feel that what Harry did to me was worse because I am in love with him and seeing him like that with Kendall is not what you want to see someone you love doing. I feel that I should just walk away and not even consider forgiving Harry, to not even want to be with him anymore, but I can't even think about. Thinking about never seeing Harry again hurts worse than seeing him with Kendall.  There's always been that pull towards Harry, that feeling of being drawn to him. I still feel that, just as strongly as I did when I first met him. You would think I would have lost that feeling if I knew things between Harry and I couldn't be repaired. I just need to know that I can trust him again.

Today was Sunday and has been a fairly quiet day so far. It was really nice out so I decided to go sit outside for a change,  get some sun.  I decided that I have spent enough time locked in my room so I spent Saturday morning with Gemma shopping and getting breakfast. Her and Harry left Saturday afternoon for London for some secret mission they wouldn't tell me about but they reassured me I would find out soon enough.   I didn't even feel bad that they didn't ask me to go with them since I probably would have said no anyways.