Persona 3: Never To Leave

The Cipher

02/01/10 Evening

Staggering my way through the night without trying to kill another person was unbearably difficult. Richard was following behind me, far enough from me not to get hit by the spray of that… sweet… sweet… blood…

In my state I could stand in the Dark Hour while it was raining and it would be pleasant to me. The diluted bloody rain could soak through my clothes, dyeing them a light pink… Enjoying the feeling of the thicker liquid pouring down into my clothes, soaking them through and through… A drenching feeling of being steeped in blood was unlike any other, so much so that it cannot be captured by the stabs of normal rain water.

I shook my head immediately, rattling those dark thoughts out of my mind. It would at least keep them away for a little longer… I can’t even tell anymore whether I agreed with my Shadow or not. All it felt like was me seven years ago… I was filled to the brim with darkness and with no remorse for another person’s life. Especially since my eyes had lost almost all colour in them… They were barely grey. They would barely have any life in them.

The grip of the scarlet liquid on my hands, engulfing them with the sticky red, it was only becoming so familiar to me as the glassy-eyed look of the victims were imprinted in my mind. Just as fast, and just as vivid in my mind. My Shadow would say that I loved the warm grasp of that darkness while I would say I didn’t. That’s only one of my problems though, and it’s not that bad. Besides, it wasn’t like I wasn’t used to it.

The other part of my Shadow was saying that I didn’t want to feel that pain again… The pain of losing everything again… I didn’t want to feel the pain of seeing everything that I had tried so hard to gain and keep be thrown away as if was worthless. The thing is was that it was true… I didn’t want to lose any more of what I had, especially since I had lost them several times. Some of the times they wouldn’t come back. Never again…

They would only be leaving holes to be filled in my mind. Holes that could be filled back up, but of course I would only lose everything again and the abyss of torment would only be dug deeper and wider into it. My Shadow’s logic is saying that I should remove the sources of my pain so that the pit that’s been dug into my jaded mind wouldn’t grow anymore. But who’s to say that… it… won’t work…?

Don’t stop me from saying what’s on my mind… Especially not my Shadow…

I just want to know… whether they would be okay with me leaving… If they were then I could stop. That’s all I need… A confirmation…

No… I want their blood on my hands. No-one will ever be able to take anything away from me again…

“NO!” My voice echoed out into the emptiness of the night. Where I was, it was devoid of all other sounds. Perhaps just to let me yell my request to the stars… Just take away my insecurities. Take them far away, on your fastest chariots…

I began to sing my questions to the stars. Trying my hardest to make sure that all evil intentions were kept out of my voice as I wished, and I prayed my call to the heavens.

“If wasn’t here tomorrow, would anybody care?” I wondered to myself, thinking of lyrics to a song. I shook my head, trying to think of the rest of the lyrics. “If my time was up I’d wanna know, you were happy I was there…”

“If I wasn’t here tomorrow would anyone lose sleep?” I asked to myself. “If I wasn’t hard and hollow then maybe you would miss me.” I didn’t know whether it would happen. I couldn’t possibly that big of an influence in SEES can I? I may be friends with them but I’m only close to a few people. Would the others care as well?

“I know I’m a mess and I want to be someone; someone that I’d like better,” I’m so flawed it’s not even funny. They’re weaknesses that just make me want to cry sometimes… Whether you see them as weaknesses or not, they slow me down sometimes, and so many deaths have been caused because of them.