insomniac || j.d.

journal entry

Entry #25 in: sleepy jim

bethany discussed relationships in our talk group today like she was speaking to a bunch of four year olds. if i hear one more pointless question i might tear out my hair. i'm not dumb- i just can't sleep/breathe when in some situations.

but i know about relationships. well enough at least. she focused one of those damned questions on me but i didn't respond. instead, i pinned the question on the girl next to me.

the girl reminded me of death. she smelled like it, she spoke it, and in the most beautiful way- she looked like it. it was a beautiful deadly. like josh.

but don't get me started on josh.

as i write he sits on the unreserved twin bed next to me. his legs are crossed loosely in front of him with papers scattered about the mattress. he hasn't spoken to me since i saw him in the lobby. for once in my life, i mind the silence.

quiet is a good thing, silence is fascinating. but never until now have i wanted someone to break that silence. i want to know what's on his mind.

but back to death herself.

she spoke in a low tone and answered the question that was meant for me. her eyes shined such a dark brown i thought they were fake. i was undoubtedly proved wrong when she rolled them and glared at me while responding to the question made for four year olds. her answer was something about how love is not real or true love doesn't exist blah blah blah.

nevertheless i still took her opinion into consideration- i always try at least.

love is such a large concept. -unfathomable if you will. after much thinking about death's (not sure of her name) side of the story, i figured i'm ok with my own belief.

belief that she is right, but in ways she is also wrong. love is nothing more than what you make of it. maybe love to you is the little things people do for you. maybe love is coming home from work to seven children scampering around the house.

love in my mind was placed at such a high standard that i had to continually talk myself out of it everyday.

"no, you will never mean the world to anyone."

"no, you don't deserve someone's wholehearted attention" (as if they'd give it to me anyway)

"no, no one will never look at you like you hold the secret to their life."

"no, no one will stick around because you're out of your mind."

"no, no one will ever stay."

October 4th, 2009
10:37pm
-Ro