insomniac || j.d.

josh

"You know nothing about her, Josh." Tyler spouted, advice running from his mouth like a faucet.

The sickly sweet air surrounded my senses, along with light blue painted walls. I was back in Tyler's room, sitting next to him on the floor. The bed acted as our back support as we babbled on about this and that.

"You're right." I sighed, my eyes scanning over Tyler's familiar arm of tattoos.

I picked up the bottle of pills lying on the floor next to Tyler. Every time we talked he had them there. Sometimes Tyler would play with the bottle and toss it in both of his hands, sometimes the bottle would be empty. On days where the bottle is empty, I wouldn't talk to Tyler for long before he would leave. Today the bottle was full.

"Just don't get yourself worked up over her. It's your job to make sure that she doesn't stop breathing in her sleep and that's it." He turned to face me, his eyes squinted accusingly in my direction.

I avoided his eye contact and pressed my hand on top of the childproof cap.

"Josh-? She's not worth losing yourself over." He snatched the unopened bottle from my hands and set it on his nightstand.

After waiting for another response that I did not give, he pulled the bottle back down and clicked it open. He made it seem so easy.

"What are you looking for?" Tyler's voice suddenly sounded very far away.

My sober head clouded over with past memories, completely blocking out Tyler.

What was I looking for?

The moon hung over my head like it was tied to a string. Minuscule stars glinted here and there mimicking glitter. The sky looked like a science project the night I got the call.

The night I sprinted down the street with nothing but a loose fit t-shirt and boxers. The night I pounded on Tyler's door, with so much fear you could smell it. Pounding on the door didn't help, because I knew he wouldn't open it. So after trying to contact Kelly, I threw the decorative front porch rock through his window. It was the night the house alarm went off, but I was too busy blubbering over Tyler's unconscious body to care. The night I saw the hurt in all of his siblings eyes as we left them at home and sped off to the hospital. It was the night I almost lost my best friend, and half of myself.

"I don't know what I'm looking for." I replied numbly.

"I'm not going back there Josh. I'm okay, I am." His voice lowered an octave as his eyes found mine.

By "going back there" Tyler was talking about Dr. Jones' institution. He always reassured me that he was ok. He was never going back. I didn't believe him in the slightest. Tyler looked up at me with a blank expression. I ignored it and drifted back into my memories.

My mind returned to the uncomfortable setting of the institution. The air was stale yet heavy with the emotions of the patients. Each quick step I took sent a pounding noise thundering throughout the brightly lit hallways. I was late for lunch with Tyler, an occasion I promised I would never miss.

With a sudden crash through the cafeteria doors, my eyes scanned over to our usual spot to find it empty. A few pairs of eyes focused on me momentarily before returning back to their meal.

Where are you Tyler?

Light fingers tenderly wrapped around my bicep. My head whipped towards the touch only to be met with his deep brown eyes.

I'm sorry.

But at that point in our lives we both knew sorry was such a useless word.