insomniac || j.d.

journal entry

entry #30 in: scared jim

"josh, please."

i had been standing in front of him trying to get his attention through my words. i've heard that if someone is sleepwalking, you shouldn't force them awake or you'll scare them. so instead of using my actions, I used my words.

but my words weren't doing anything.

tear after tear after tear fell down his scruff covered jaw. i watched as each and every one hit the roughly carpeted floor. his face was eerily still, the grey-brown color still glazed over his usual brown eyes.

"please wake up." my body shook with every small movement in the dark room.

"LIGHTS OUT! GOODNIGHT!" a burly voice shouted down the corridor.

"if we don't leave now, i can't get out tonight."

nothing.

"josh come with me. please wake up." my voice cracked at the simplest of words as i finally stepped forward and pressed my hand against his face.

his eyes immediately faded back to their original color and after moving my hand up to wipe his tears, he blinked.

"josh. josh!"

"patients 2103 and 5674? Why is your light still on?"

the burnt orange color returned, swirling behind my eyes. it was a deadly warning that wouldn't go away without a panic attack.

"i got it all under control." josh spoke forcefully.

"that's nice, dun." the guard said with a hearty chuckle.

the sound of keys was heard from right outside the door. the sickening orange was getting thicker and thicker only allowing me to see josh's eyes for some odd reason.

"i-i i can't get put in solitary. josh i can't breathe." i struggled to say, my hands finding their way up to my neck like i was choking.

as soon as i stated that i couldn't breathe, josh's eyes widened and suddenly i felt his hands on my arms. static filled my ears and i'm not sure if it was the lack of oxygen getting to my head or something else.

josh ushered me into the bathroom and lightly guided me towards the closed toilet seat. he filled up a little paper cup with water and insisted i drink it. i obliged as the sound of the guard was gone.

"is this an anxiety attack?" josh asked, his voice a low breathy whisper as to not startle me.

i nodded quickly and focused on clearing the orange tinted monster. my chest rose and fell but no matter how i tried my breathing wouldn't regulate.

"have you had one before?"

i couldn't even count on my fingers how many times i've had an anxiety attack, so of course i nodded.

"how do i help you?" his voice was calm and soothing, like my fathers used to be.

"fresh air. let's get out of here." i managed to say in between breaths, standing up shakily and pulling josh to the window.

he followed grudgingly due to my slim fingers wrapped around the cotton of his shirt. once i reached the window, i fidgeted with the
broken bar before swinging it to the side and pulling myself through the opening.

october 21rst, 2009
9:00pm
-ro