insomniac || j.d.

journal entry

entry # 26 in: worthless jim

he looked at me like i was nothing more to him than a waste of space. i don't blame him. that's all i am anyway. pathetic.

i laid in the same spot on my bed for four and a half hours- awake. hell waged a war inside my head the whole time. i couldn't take laying there anymore. i scared the living daylights out of josh as i rose up from my spot, tears cascading down my face.

our little bathroom was my first option. i yanked my long t-shirt over my thighs and locked myself in. i peered in the mirror and instantly regretted it.

what a mistake.

a walking breathing mistake.

my lungs filled as i keeled over the bathroom sink. the dingy porcelain stared back at me.

my face was appalling. both eyes were rimmed and puffy with red. my cheeks burned from all the tears and i couldn't peel my eyes from those damned black circles. i felt sick to my stomach. before i could gain control a large sob broke out from between my lips. i weakly clasped my hand over my mouth to cease the noise.

pathetic.

my knees buckled under my weight so instead of leaning over the sink i was crouched on the floor, my hands white-knuckling the edge of the counter in front of me.

the war never ended- in fact as i sat there my high expectations kicked in. i was waiting for josh to knock on the door when he obviously wouldn't. my own head sickened me to the point where i was helplessly dry-heaving over the toilet. of course nothing came up because i hadn't eaten in a few days.

when i can't sleep, the anxiety kicks in. when the anxiety kicks in, so does stress, and stress causes me to feel nauseous at the simple sight of food. therefore i don't eat. it's a vicious cycle.

still no knock.

__

i don't remember leaving the bathroom last night, but i must've because when i woke up i was sprawled out on my bed. the minute josh realized i was awake he left. no goodbye. no surprise.

i sit now in the cafeteria picking at the burnt toast they decided to serve. stress still plagues my entire being, but i need to eat.

bad idea. the second my lips touch the bread i gag. this place is slowly going to kill me. my over sensitive stomach reels at the smell of the all food around me. i sit alone. you'd think that after living here for six months i'd sit with someone. doesn't bother me, i'm used to being alone. it's nice actually.

nice until it's interrupted by death. she approaches the end of my table, seething.

i'm in for it now.

"how about you answer the questions asked to you? hm?"

she leans forward and presses her open palms to the table. a cigarette pokes out from between her left pointer and middle finger.

"don't give me the whole -i don't talk charade- i've heard it enough-"

"will do." i interrupt.

"huh?"

i break my gaze away from the burnt toast to catch her eyes. milky black- if there ever was such a color- that was it. her hair matched, parted right down the middle and tucked behind her rather small ears.

the smell of death wafted from between her fingers and into my nose.

"will do." I repeated loud enough for her to hear.

with a drag of her cigarette and a "hmph" she was gone, just as quick as she had come.

i was gone as well-- mentally that is.

october 5th, 2009
1:22pm
-ro