insomniac || j.d.

journal entry

entry #29 in: confused jim

frankly, i'm losing my mind. it's been two weeks of josh sitting on the bed next to me in utter silence. it's been two damn weeks full of bethany's false words and twisted tongue. im leaving tonight, because i can not stand another sleepless night in that bed.

i stand and waltz over to my future escape path. the steel bars covering the window feel cool and familiar under my small hands. outside, the sky is dropping into darkness. the only light left is a slight streak of purple right above the horizon. my fingers reach through the bars and skim the surface of the glass, wanting to feel the velvet purple on my skin.

the sound of my room door opening breaks me from my painted visuals. i subconsciously tuck a piece of hair behind my ear and listen closely to my surroundings. with the first huff of a breath i know it's josh. the room is eerily silent for a moment before the light thump of josh's books on the bed break it.

"lights out in two minutes." he speaks, his voice confusingly soft like the velvety purple of the night sky.

i don't reply, lightly moving to the edge of the window where the last bar is situated. my hands grip the metal pole and smirk as the bottom connector slides away from the wall. the smirk slips from my face and i let go, watching the bar sway slightly before settling back in place. i take a wobbly step back and turn, opening up my dresser drawer and fumbling around for my trusty pajama shirt and a jacket. with quick steps i shut myself in the bathroom.

the worn pastel yellow cotton felt wonderful as it flowed over my body. the one good feeling in the past two weeks. i clutched my jacket in my fist, holding the cloth close to my body. my reflection was haunting. my nimble fingers lightly grazed over the bruises underneath my eyes.

and then there was a knock. the knock that i had once dreamed of, but now was hearing for real.

"you alright?"

"peachy." i replied, a nasty blush rising in my cheeks at the simplicity of his voice.

"ok well it's lights out and i don't really want to get into any trouble so you should-"

i interrupted him by swinging open the dingy bathroom door.

"trouble?" i repeated softly, threading my fingers around my pajama shirt.

"well uh i- um-"

i giggled at his newfound nervousness and placed the palm of my hand on his chest. my nerves automatically went haywire at the warmth radiating off of his body. his heart was thumping erratically through his white undershirt. he automatically took a step back from my touch and gazed blankly at my hand.

"i'm leaving." i stated simply, walking around him and toward my dresser.

"what? you can't?"

"watch me." I retaliated sweetly, wrapping my hands around the navy yankees baseball cap i had stored in the back of my drawer.

the worn hat fit perfectly over my natural brown locks, hiding my eyes from josh's surprised glare.

"no, no wait, it's lights out! what are you doing?" he whispered harshly, approaching me and wrapping his heavy fingers around my fragile arm.

"listen, josh. i have been trapped in this god awful room for too long, wishing I could sleep when i actually can't. i've maybe slept about two hours each night tops since you've been here, and i'm sick of being cooped up. i have to get the hell out of here before i lose myself completely!" my sleep deprivation was crawling all over my skin and in my words.

josh released his grip slowly and let his hand drop to his side.

i wanted to apologize, but soon realized that saying sorry wouldn't help anything. i wasn't sorry. so instead i took the limp hand that fell at josh's side and held it in my own. the size of his hand swallowed the size of mine completely, but he didn't seem to mind. he actually didn't seem to be using his mind at all. his gaze was off and tinted a metallic silver-brown. my eyes focused in on his lips. they moved at a rapid speed, whispering words i couldn't make sense of.

"josh?" i asked curiously, a small light inside me hoped he was ok.

"i don't know what i'm looking for, tyler." he spoke, his gaze fixated on the wall.

and if that on it's own wasn't odd enough another voice spilled from his lips. it wasn't his voice in he slightest. the voice was airy, hardly real at all.

"you're looking for me, but you found her."

october 19th, 2009
9:32 pm
-Ro