insomniac || j.d.

journal entry

Entry #19 in: Jim

they asked me about my sleep apnea, but i didn't give them much info. sure, i'm supposed to wake up, but there's a possibility i won't. was i going to tell them that?

no.

because of the new info they discovered from an outside source they decided to introduce me to some roommate who is supposed to help watch over me as i sleep. the head of the institution, dr. jones, or 'bone-head' as i like to call him, explained the guy as being "vital to my health"

no one is "vital to my health"

that is unless you mean vital as in fatal.

i brush an unruly lock of hair behind my ear and wait outside bone-head's office. my head tilts downwards and my eyesight is intently focused on the speckled white tile below me. faint whispering escapes bone-head's door like a soft wind. the whispers stay the same, but the wind picks up, whipping at my mind. anxiety crawls up my throat to the point where i'm threatened to cough it up. are they talking about me?

my breathing becomes shallow as i slowly grip the edges of the dingy plastic chair. of course they are talking about me. he is going to watch me sleep after all.

no more midnight walks. no calming moon. no freshly cut grass. just pretending. pretending i'm sleeping, pretending to be okay when i'm obviously not. i am so done pretending. i came here to be better, not pretend i'm better.

i'm too busy steadying my breathing to notice that my nails are making indentations in the arm rests. my brain floods with foggy memories and unfulfilled promise as i await their entrance. my lungs pulsate and out from my lips trails wisps of burnt orange. i almost visibly recoil at what my mind sees. in my head, the color belonged to none other than the monster itself, anxiety. my chest tightens, but then relaxes only to repeat itself over and over. after the forth unsuccessful inhale, bone-head and the roommate exit the office.

i stand with shaky legs and hide my inability to breathe. my eyes scan the new guy as his eyes wash over me. insecurity joins the bubbling mess in my head and threatens to throw me over the edge.

the wind sound in my ears dies down at his informal appearance. his eyes match that of dark chocolate, but i only glance before he falters and peers down at the floor.

a dusted pink tuft of hair sticks out from the opening in the back of his snapback. he's wearing a long sleeved black shirt that really brings attention to his arms. the black shirt is paired with camo print joggers and black high-top converse.

he pulls his head up again and smiles. i take very small step backwards. his smile diminishes when he sees my actions. i almost want to step forward again, so that the smile can return. he crosses his defined arms over his chest and waits for bone-head to introduce us.

i barely hear bone-head's monotone voice as my mind zones everything out. it's around the time he sticks his hand out for me to shake when i begin to feel my heart beating inside my throat. it's an unnerving feeling, so i try my best to ignore it. i slip my much smaller hand into his and shake it lightly.

his eyes turn downward and he quickly rubs the pad of his thumb over the back of my hand before releasing it. bone-head's voice manages to filter through my overwhelming thoughts.

"i trust you to show him where your shared room is, rowan. then why don't you two grab lunch? i'll tell bethany you can't make it to talk group."

with a grateful shake of my head, bone-head departs back into his office while josh and i venture towards the hallway. we don't talk at all. the only noise between us is the occasional breathy sigh and scuff of shoes. my eyes can't help but wander over to him periodically. i sort of like how he's so unprofessional, it makes him all the more human.

he smiles up at me after realizing i had my eye on him for a bit too long. he speaks and when the words escape his lips they take on a toxic blue color.
"are you okay?"

i take a minute to process the deathly vibrant blue words before i smile.

what a silly question. with which i respond in the form of dull red words seeping from my mouth like paint.

"is anyone here okay?"

and in a spectacular display, our words mixed and made an awfully dangerous purple.

October 2nd, 2009
6:37pm
-Ro