insomniac || j.d.

journal entry

entry #33: spooky jim

it's halloween and my mask is the scariest it's ever been this year. i was pulled from solitary this morning and walked down the halls with my hands chained behind my back. it was like a prison scene where the guards drag the inmate down the hall and the inmate looks around at all of the other cells in slow motion. it was exactly like that, down to the very fact that i looked like a killer. my breath was cold and my eyes were undoubtably sunk so far into my face. i wouldn't exactly know since i haven't seen my own reflection in about a week and a half. in fact i wasn't able to see anything for a fucking week and a half. everything was so so black.

i won't lie to you, i looked like a killer, and i felt like a killer. the second i saw bone-head i was going to fucking kill him. i shook my hands behind me and watched as the guards almost lost their shit. my eyes were already black, so go ahead, hit me.

they escorted me back to my room and nodded when they left. fuck them. i haven't seen daylight in nine days. to be honest, i was surprised i still had this much fire in me.

i immediately walk over to the window and curse at the welded metal bar. i want out. but no one is gonna come hold the window open. no one is gonna save me, so of course i have to save myself. because i am the only person i will ever be able to trust, and i am the only one who can save me.

my head begins to pound and i realize i am white-knuckling the metal bar. i back away in disgust and fall onto my bed. tomorrow was going to be a better day, it had to be, right?

i closed my eyes and the same color that had plagued my existence for a week and a half haunted me again. dark pitch black. i wanted to scream, but couldn't. i wanted to walk up to bonehead and and and-

really all i wanted was josh.

i wanted someone to hold me and tell me my world wasn't going to end in the this damned place. maybe i wanted someone to tell me that my world was going to end, the thought sounded slightly appealing.

i touched the bags under my eyes with soft fingers and cried. my mean demeanor was gone and i was just myself. the hollow shell of the girl i used to be.

october 31rst, 2009
6:46pm
-rowan