insomniac || j.d.

journal entry

Entry #20 in: jim

as a reward for showing up to talk group, bone-head allows me an hour within the vicinity of my sanctuary.

the piano speaks sanity, while my thoughts speak the opposite.

i'm surprised i don't poison the beautiful instrument with my corrupt mind. instead the beautiful instrument poisons me to be sane for a short amount of time.

the familiar sounds of old memories try and calm my ever running brain. it's no use, not this time. my mind is somewhere else until i press the first key.

it's like some sort of twisted medicine shooting through my veins like a drug. one key and that's all it takes for me to lose it. lose myself in the music-- that is. the keys sound under my slim fingers. my eyes are shut, registering the new melody underneath my fingertips.

bone-head is watching, but no one else. i can feel his eyes.

and even after my fingers ache, i don't want to stop. i want to drain my already low energy right here in the middle of the room. everything's pouring out onto the piano, everything i have is out in the open. i feel vulnerable.

it's a warm vulnerable, it's my shout in the dark answered by the call of the grand piano in the lobby.

it's my sleeplessness answered by a roommate with shaggy pink hair.

it's everything i didn't know i needed.

my lungs fill with stale institution air as my fingers glide down the length of the keys. more eyes, i can feel them on the back of my head.

my hour ticks on. my time is limited and i want to spill everything i can before times up.

anxiousness builds within my chest and begs me to calm down. how ironic. i can't. time is dwindling and i need to finish the song i started.

faster and faster until my hands are slaves against the gleaming white keys. it's gripping my soul in a way nothing ever should.

then it's done. my song ends and so does my time. bone-head places a heavy hand on my shoulder and finally, i breathe. the air is surprisingly sweet and it's then when i realize why.

josh.

voices flood my mind, mindless chatter, nonsense babbling, but no one is in the lobby but bone-head, the roommate, and i. pieces click together in my mind, the voices, the deadly brown eyes, the toxic blue words, his presence speaks a thousand words and i was hearing every single one of them.

October 4th, 2009
2:06pm
-Ro