Thoughts I'll never share with you

Note #38

Yesterday wasn't the best day. We went on the big end of the year field trip and it was fun at first, but then 5 of us accidentally disappeared for an hour because the wait time for something was longer than it said it would be and when we got out the other 3 were mad and worried. Nobody realized they were going to be so angry so when we got out and saw them I went in to hug someone and I got a dirty look and a step back instead which felt like rejection, and knowing me I don't handle rejection very well. I mean I understand they must've been worried and probably thought we just left them and went to go have fun by ourselves, but I'm a sensitive baby who feels guilty easily and hates when someone is mad at me.
We explained what happened and then everyone continued but we were all still off. Two of them suffer from anxiety and it was obvious they were both a little anxious. After 20 minutes of us going somewhere else, one of them started crying and couldn't breathe because of everything and I felt like a horrible person who didn't deserve anything because I'm so terrible. I've always been really bad at dealing with guilt so I left with 3 others and we went somewhere else and then I cried about how horrible I am for making them feel so bad and that was great.
After awhile we all met up and split up again with different people and then we met up one last time before we had to go home and we were all fine and everybody was happy again, but I wasn't. I was still stuck on the feeling guilty and rejected and upset because what happened was really just a big misunderstanding, but no one else was and then that made me feel stupid. So I did what you would always hate, I shut down and stopped joining in on conversation and instead just quietly thought to myself. It was also like 12 am and at night when I feel like shit, I feel like shit 10x worse than in the day because my mind is less clear by then.
I could've been happier and not have ended the night in such a bad mood, but instead I hid away in myself and decided I deserved to be stuck feeling like crap because I was horrible and that's something that I'm not okay with me doing. I don't support myself doing that anymore and it isn't right. I'm done doing that, I need to learn how to let it go, how to move on because there's no use wasting time and energy on feeling bad when I could be making it better.
I'm really tired of myself and the decisions I make and how I overall react to certain things, I literally just pointed out how I do all this crap a few days ago in the last night and yet here I am doing it again. Ugh changing myself, how I perceive things, and how I react is hard..but I am going to do it.

                -missing you xx