Thoughts I'll never share with you

Note #60

    I think I've apologized a lot to many people, at least I hope I have. I've done things that I felt the need to be sorry for so and I expressed that. Although there's one person I feel like I have literally never apologized to,

   "To whom do I owe the biggest apology? No one's been crueler than I've been to me."

     To me, I'm sorry for  making you truly believe that you'd never be good enough for anyone or anything. I'm sorry for all those times you woke up feeling good and I told you that you didn't really deserve to feel good and instead told you how ugly of a person you were inside and out when it wasn't even true. I'm sorry for deciding that you needed to be punished by scratching your skin until you bled. I'm sorry for letting you agree with anybody who told you negative things, yet let you jump to disagree if anyone called you pretty or nice, I don't know why or when I decided you had to be a horribly ugly person.

    I'm sorry that I've let you hang around people who made you feel lesser, or who made you feel like if you ever expressed how you felt you would be looked down on, screw their approval. I'm sorry I let you forgive those people time after time, I should've put how you felt first. I'm sorry for stressing you out even more than you already were for the stupidest of things. I'm sorry for letting you pine after a boy for over a year even though I knew how much it hurt you since it was a one sided situation. I'm sorry for giving out all of our love until there was no more left for us, I gave out too many pieces that we already didn't have.

    I'm honestly so sorry for all of it, I've always known I should treat you better..but it's so hard to, you know?  I'm going to make it up to you though, I'm really going to try to be better to you. I'm sorry it took me so long to want to apologize to you, I've owed you an apology longer than anyone else.

   I'm sorry love, I really am...

          -missing you xx