Thoughts I'll never share with you

Note #40

     I haven't scratched my arms or legs in a week. Its not a very long time, but I still like knowing that I haven't done it in awhile. I think everyone who noticed that I scratched could visibly see how it was damaging my skin, but I don't think I or anyone else really realized why I would myself so hard that my skin would come off and I was left bleeding, but I eventually figured out why I did it. I scratch so I can hurt myself, I mean it's not always just to hurt me, there are different reasons why.
    When I'm frustrated, I take it out on my skin because I feel out of control because of whatever is bothering me and scratching puts me in control of something. When I'm sad, there's this certain feeling I get while I'm scratching and it just feels so nice that I can't stop and it makes me feel better in a way. When I'm numb and just want to feel something the pain helps me do that. When I'm nervous, it takes my mind off of whatever is making me feel like that because instead I'm thinking about if the blood from my legs is gonna leave a stain on my jeans.
     Then those times I felt lonely, when I was around friends who make me feel like an outsider at times, when I have nothing to do so I just stare at my phone for hours on end wishing I could do something, I scratched the hardest at those moments because they were the most common and I thought the harder it was the longer they would stay away.
       I do it when I need help dealing with my emotions and I thought that because it works a little completely destroying my skin would be worth it, but it isn't and I can't believe I ever thought it was. I'm done with it I swear because I know it isn't good for me, I want to deal with my emotions in a different way, a healthier way that doesn't involve me crying because I'm in pain or I feel uglier than I already was because I scratched my skin so hard that it's just gone. I'm done with it, I'm promising myself that.

                 -missing you xx