Thoughts I'll never share with you

Note #57

   Have you ever listened to the song Moments by Tove lo? I know I found it while we were still talking to each other but I don't know if I ever mentioned it to you. I'm really in love with the song and I think it's the intro and the chorus that explains why I'm so drawn to it.

  " I don't know what it is, I've just always had the pressure of being perfect and at the same time.. always been drawn to fucking everything up, it just makes you feel so free, like no one can depend on you..no one can expect anything from you."

" I'm not the prettiest you've ever seen,

But I have my moments, I have my moments,

Not the flawless one, I've never been

But I have my moments, I have my moments

I can get a little drunk, I get into all the don'ts

But on good days I am charming as fuck

I can get a little drunk, I get into all the don'ts

But on good days I am charming as fuck"

  People always rush to define who we are by things they've seen us do, or ways they've seen us act. They get expectations of how we should or shouldn't act by something we've done before. They decide who we are, sometimes i want to be completely destructive, unstable, just a hot mess in general so that they no longer expect me to be a certain type of person. I want to decide who i am myself, i want to push myself to certain things because I want to, not because someone is telling me to. I'm not the best, I'm not perfect, I'm not the prettiest, and I'm not the smartest, but sometimes I try to be and I want those moments to be chosen by me, not anyone else.

 I'm me and I want to decide who that is when I want to in whatever moment I choose...

            -missing you xx