Thoughts I'll never share with you

Note #61

     I was watching some movies last night by myself and it made me think about some things. One of those things was you, shocker right? The characters in two movies had a very deep connection and bond, they were close to each other immediately after only a day of being around each other, but the thing was, in one movie one of the characters were already married, and in the other one of the characters was 14 when the other was 28. Because of these reasons although they in a way seemed   meant to be, they really weren't, at least not in that moment.
     We meet so many different people all the time but what I'm just now really understanding is that it doesn't mean we met them at the right time. Sometimes we meet someone we aren't ready for and although we can pretend we are, the affects of not being ready for them will take place at some point. It's okay if you aren't ready for someone though, not everyone is supposed to be with you forever. Sometimes they were just here to give you a little taste of something you want as motivation or inspiration.
      In a way I was ready to know you, but I also wasn't. I was ready to have someone who almost felt like my own and who was there for me. I was also ready to have someone show me what those fights would be like and how I would react to them. I was ready to be shown what being close to someone truly meant so that I could understand I wasn't ready for it because I thought it'd be easier. I didn't know the amount of trust, compassion, support, and other things that would be needed. I didn't know that to love someone else you don't have to stop loving yourself. I didn't know that when you depend on someone for your happiness besides yourself it's a bad thing because the moment it ends it hurts like nothing ever before.
      Out of everything I learned the thing that I'll make sure to hold onto is that I have to love myself. I have to understand who I am and be okay with it and accept me for me instead of depending on other people to do it for me. It's okay if someone does show me love, but I have to stop making that person or what they say be my everything. I'm good enough for myself and I have to understand that. I didn't understand that and I made you everything and once it started to hurt a lot I walked away because I thought it was best, but it still nearly killed me. I'm not going to do that again, the person who will always love me the most will be myself because that's who it needs to be. I'm good enough for myself and that's something you helped teach me.
      I didn't know a lot, and I still don't, but I learned from this and next time I meet someone I can try again and maybe it'll be the right time for us instead because I'll know a little more, so thank you for helping me and I hope I helped you too.

           -missing you xx