A Fuckton of Polygrumps

Searching Pt. 2: Empathy

Synopsis: Flashback and then present day empathetic fluff

What would you do if your closest friends were happy? That sounds like a crazy question, but honestly, if two of your close friends were happy together, where would that put you?

More realistically, how would you stop hurting if you felt like you were simply a buffer until these two friends decided they were ready to admit they were made for each other?

Brian sat in his car in the middle of the airport parking lot. By the power of cliché coincidence, it started to pour before he even managed to get in the warmth of his car. He gripped the steering wheel and focused on each drop of rain as it hit the front window.

It wasn't supposed to hurt this badly. In fact, it wasn't supposed to hurt at all. Dan was finally happy again. That's all that should've mattered and in a perfect world, it would've been. Unfortunately, envy and selfishness sneak up when we'd rather they didn't. He kept saying it to himself: it shouldn't hurt. He's happy. It shouldn't hurt. It's shouldn't. It shouldn't. It doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't. It does...

He was jolted from his thoughts by a light tapping on the window. He looked up and there stood Suzy, mascara running down her face and hair plastered in her eyes from the torrential downpour. Brian unlocked the door and let her in almost immediately.

"We did it," she said after a terribly awkward silence.

They dared not look at each other. Part of it was shame of having selfish thoughts and the other half was the threat of crying in front of someone else. So they sat. Brian only moved to turn the key in the ignition. He had no plan on leaving any time soon, but at least if the car was on, he could turn the heat on. It was ungodly cold that night.

"Fuck," Brian said simply, feeling as if saying anything would help.

"Yeah," Suzy seconded. "Fuck."

The silence was no longer stilted but comfortable. Perhaps that was the first time that Brian felt he wasn't alone in months. There was a feeling of solidarity that followed after the twinge of jealous pain. In that moment, Suzy wasn't just someone he knew of. She was a beacon of light to cling to. It felt like finding a survivor in the rubble of the apocalypse.  

Brian was shaken from his thoughts when he felt the person lying beside him stir a bit. The sunlight flooded through the windows and it enveloped the bed as morning began to roll by. He yawned and his eyes traced the outline of the shoulder against his chest.

"That was nice," Suzy murmured, her eyes still shut.

People, in most cases, like to feel desired. Even if they don't look for it, people like the feeling of others wanting them and enjoying their presence. For Suzy, Brian fulfilled that role 110%. Maybe it was because he felt he needed to prove something to himself or maybe it was because he was felt the same painful empathy of being the right guy at the wrong time. It was hard to say. Regardless, he attentive to Suzy both mentally and physically.

"We're not...dating, are we?" He asked suddenly.

"Nah."

"Good. I don't...think we should do that."

"Me neither," Suzy replied calmly, rolling over to face him. "We don't need to."

There was another silence, far more comfortable than any silence he'd had with Dan or Arin in the last few months. Suzy sat up and lazily climbed onto of Brian, kissing along his jawline gently.

"I like...this." She said wistfully, pressing her lips against the stubbly patch of skin where the chin ended as the neck began.

"This," Brian repeated with a playful scoff. "What the hell does that mean?"

"This...us, you...it feels-"

"Nice. It feels nice. I understand completely."

She grinned and continued her trail of kisses down his chest, playfully leaving little bites. Brian shifted under her, letting out soft chuckles as Suzy nibbled at his skin. These mornings were particularly lazy and calming since they started at sunrise. Brian smiled faintly, shutting his eyes again and sighing blissfully. 

"Talk about science," Suzy murmured, resuming her kiss trail down to Brian's stomach. 

"Only if you talk about taxidermy," he retorted with a chuckle. "Nothing's more arousing than stuffing dead animal carcasses."

Suzy smirked, her lips pecking across the waistband of Brian's boxers. The moment was cut short by his phone vibrating. Again, the song that blared from the tiny speaker was "The Hit". He almost felt a twinge of shame rise in him as he picked it up. 

"I totally get it," Suzy soothed, sitting up and crawling back up to the pillows at the head of the bed. "It's a good song."

Brian's lips curled into a small smile as he picked up the phone. His background was one of those nebula edit photos you'd find on Tumblr. He couldn't help but feel his mind wander to when it used to be him and Dan. 

"Hello?"

"Hey, uh, Bri...it's Danny-"

"I have caller ID."

"I-I...shit, yeah, that's a thing...um, can we talk? Or...I mean, are you busy currently?"

"I don't know," he chuckled, kissing Suzy's nose. "Am I busy?"

"Nah," she giggled.

"Apparently, I'm not. What's up?"

"Uh...well, I was thinking about...well, really Arin and I..."

"Should I come over or...?"

"Y-yeah. That would be nice," Dan finally said, exhaling sharply. 

Around that time, Suzy's phone buzzed. The picture of her and Arin sticking their tongues out greeted her, though the brightness was too high for her to fully appreciate it. 

Arin: Hey, buddy ol pal, can you come over?

Me: Sure?? Is something wrong?

Arin: No...I mean...fuck idk man

Suzy put her phone down at approximately the same time that Brian hung up his. 

"The fuck do you think that was about," Suzy asked with a yawn.

Brian shrugged and finally got up. He stretched, every creak of his bones becoming painfully apparent. He let out a defeated sigh before Suzy reached out and hugged his waist.

"41 isn't old and you're fine," she reassured, kissing his back. "I promise."

She rose from the bed as well and walked to the bathroom. All over the mirror above the sink were post-it notes with little messages on them. Suzy's eyes flickered from her bare stomach to a note towards the center of the mirror. 

"Fat =/= Ugly" the first part said. "More tummy means more to kiss. Relax. You. Are. Beautiful."

When someone a person cares about has broken their heart, often times they run through a checklist of what they might have done wrong or what they look like. Even being as smart as they were, Brian and Suzy both found themselves doing it. The notes were something that just started one day. She wrote "lookin' good, big daddy!" on a small slip of paper and taped it to the mirror. Without discussion, the next note was "you are enough!" and it went on from there.