A Fuckton of Polygrumps

Searching Pt. 3: Satisfied

Synopsis: Dan and Arin should be happy. They should be.

You think...

"This is what we wanted."

You roll over and look at this man that you've loved since you first met and you think...

"This should feel so much better."

You lie in bed, staring at the ceiling and think...

"Is this all there is?"

Dan sat up, resting his head on his hand and propping himself up on one elbow. He used his free hand to rub Arin's stomach the way he usually did at night. It kept them both calm. 

"Spit it out," Arin grumbled, not bothering to open his eyes.

"What?"

"You've been staring a hole into my supple teets for the last two hours. So, just spit it out. What're you thinking about?"

You think...

"Is this not what we wanted at all?"

Dan sat up completely and stood up. He paced the floor slowly, fingers combing through his curly tangles. 

"Arin, I'm not...I don't think I'm happy."

Arin himself sat up and leaned back against the headboard of the bed. His face remained neutral as he watched Dan pace. Before he could speak, Dan shook his head and sighed.

"Like, I'm so fucking into you and I love being around you. You're my best friend and I'm so in love with everything that makes you...you."

"But?"

"But, there's something missing. This should feel better...this...Fuck, I don't know."

Arin sat silently for only a moment before lying back and nodding.

You think...

"What's missing?"

Arin shot up and held Dan's shoulders. 

"Dude, I think I got it."

"Uh...huh??"

"Okay, so Suzy and Brian have been fucking for like, months now, right?"

"They have? Since when?"

"Fuck, I don't know. Anyway, they're fucking and that sucks because we used to fuck, right?"

"I guess?"

"But we're not like, jealous, right?"

"I don't know...it kind of feels sucky to hear-"

"Listen, what if we're not happy because we thought this was an either/or situation instead of a both/and situation?"

You think...

"I miss him...the way his stomach would brush up against my spine when we spooned, her cute little giggle, the way his piano-playing fingers worked their way along every curve of my body, the way she rubbed my back when I was stressed, the way he teased and taunted me when I needed to laugh and took life too seriously...but I threw that away. Didn't I?"

Arin smiled and took a breath to calm himself down.

"We thought all we needed was each other, but we actually exist as a weird foursome. Does that make sense?"

You think...

"Didn't I?"

"So what you're saying is," Dan began, still a bit confused. "We'd all be dating...each other? Does that work?"

"I don't fuckin' know, but it's worth a try, right? I mean, I've known Suzy for almost have of my life now and living without her fucking sucks."

"Yeah...but, what if we blew it by leaving them behind? It was kind of awful...I mean, we left them...I didn't even think about it because I was so fucking happy to see you, but we left them standing there by themselves in a fucking airport like every moment we'd spent with them meant nothing...I know we didn't mean to but, fuck, man, that must feel so shitty..."

Arin sat down again and let out a labored sigh. 

You think...

"God, what a fucked up way to leave things. Are we assholes?"

Arin reached out for his phone and tossed Dan's to him. It was 4:00 in the morning. They needed to sleep, but with a plan in mind, it was hard to fall asleep. 

"Should we wait, then," Dan asked, lying back down.

"Yeah. We'll call them first thing in the morning."

You think...

"What's he doing right now? Are they cute together?"

Arin climed back under the covers and sighed. 

"I kind of ship it."

"What?"

"Brian and Suzy? It's kinda cute."

"I hate it."

There was a long, abrupt pause. Dan sat up and shook his head.

You think...

"How fucking hypocritical could you possibly be?"

His mind wandered back to the first time Brian showed up for a Starbomb brainstorming session. Dan and Arin had the audacity to have sex short after that and just barely clean up when Brian showed up. There was still so much hurt that turned itself into bitter coldness in his piercing blue eyes. Suddenly, it all made sense. Here Dan was feeling jealous that Brian was having sex with someone else as if he hadn't done the same thing. 

"I'm losing my fucking mind," Dan groaned, hiding his face in a pillow.

"I guess we're both kind of assholes because what we want is a little greedy-"

"But, we're allowed to be greedy because...fuckin'...I don't know. Is it possible for four people to be perfect for each other at the same point in time?"

"Dude, I don't fucking know. You're the older one. You've dated more people than I have."

"My body like, aches...I feel like garbage..."

"We could fuck."

"We could."

They sat in silence for a bit longer before Arin let out an exasperated sigh.

"Everything sucks."

"Everything is significantly less awesome than previously thought. For sure."