A Fuckton of Polygrumps

Ninja Sex Party Origin Pt. 1

Synopsis: I've had this idea to write my imagining of how Ninja Sex Party came to be. Again; I'm aware NSP was formed before Arin and Dan became best friends. However, he will be mentioned once or twice. Also, the personality of Dan might be a little different because I tried tapping into his persona rather than Dan Avidan. Anyway, enjoy!

"Heard you were makin' eyes at my girl."

"She didn't have a problem with it when she was going down on me," I replied. "Look, man, I'm not the issue here, okay? I didn't even know she was in a relationship-"

Ah, yes; keeping my mouth shut would have totally saved me some of trouble. I was pinned to a wall in an alley in Jersey. It looked like a scene out of a bad 80's flick. And dude, this was the third time that week. Assholes came after me for fucking around with their girls like I had a clue they weren't single. I'm not a bad fucking guy. I promise.

"Come on; let's just call it a night. I'm bleeding and a handsome gentleman like yourself must be exhausted beating the shit out of me."

The guy nodded, wiping his knuckles that were covered in my nose blood. He started walking away, leaving me there. Things could have ended there. But I'm a fucking idiot.

"Get outta here with ya punk ass!" I yelled after him like a complete idiot.

It didn't help that I was drunk off my ass. I sprinted down the alleyway, knowing that any misstep could end up fucking me. I got lucky that night. However, the next night, karma would get to see me fucked up.

I was walking home from a buddy's place, carrying my blue bass. I'd been avoiding the alley for weeks, scared shitless that my attacker was ready for another one sided wrestling match.

"Goin' on a stroll, Toothpick," a horribly calm voice muses from behind.

"Fuck..."

"How ya been, Scrawny? Been a while, huh? You don't mind that I brought some friends, do you?"

"Actually, I should be getting home. My uh...parents are probably worried sick. Can this wait?"

Two equally brawny and disgusting meat-heads held me against the wall. I could tell that this time would hurt ten times more than before.

"See, you should probably look for other girls to sleep with that aren't in a relationship, huh?"

"I told you, I didn't know they were in relationships!"

The thing about assholes is that they fucking love to beat me up. Yeah, I probably should've checked to see if any of the girls that week were dating anyone, but hey; when a guy wants to get some ass, that's what matters at the time.

I'm not a bad guy; I fucking promise.

Every punch to my delicate stomach pushed me closer to puking on the guys beating me. My nose was gushing blood and my left eye was swollen enough to shut almost completely. It was bearable until Butch McFuckface decided to pull a switchblade on me.

"W-whoa, man, take it easy...look; I'm sorry, alright? We can just forget this ever happened and-"

Another punch to the gut is enough to shut me up. Being built like Glass Joe as well as fighting like him doesn't really help. Shit does not look good for me at this point. Being the chill dude I am, I prepare to have my throat slit. I mean, it's a pretty badass way to die. And hey; I got to have a fuckton of sex that week, so it's not exactly a bad time to go.

I shut my eyes and waited to die. The thing is, I kept waiting. After a good 20 seconds, I opened my eyes again and everyone was dead. All three men were dead. All that remained was a figure in a dark outfit and ninja mask. What a badass.

"H-hey, uh...thanks for...helping me out, man. I don't want any trouble or anything, okay? Should I pay you or...?"

A pair of piercing blue eyes trailed up from the bodies to meet mine. The figure gestured for me to come near it. I stepped forward, watching the person look at the blade they held with almost terrifying attentiveness.

"I don't have any money, but-"

The figure rolled its blue eyes and pulled out a small whiteboard and a red marker.

"I don't need your money," he wrote.

"Fuckin'...you don't want sex, do you? I mean, I'm flattered, but I don't really swing that way-"

"I don't want to fuck you either, asshole," he scribbled in sloppy capital letters. "Come on. Follow me."

Reluctantly, I follow after him, even if it's hard to keep up with his insane speed. I eventually got led to a small studio flat. It was messy to put it lightly, but shit, it was a nice place anyway. The floor was covered in footprints in dried blood, what looked like complicated math bullshit, and expensive weapons. He turned to me, the idiot standing in the doorway, and made a gesture like 'hey, dickcheese, welcome or whatever'.

"Woah, badass...uh, so, thanks. Do you live here?"

"No shit," the silent ninja wrote.

"Ah...that was stupid," I groaned, looking at a framed diploma on the wall. "Brian...is that your name? That's weird, I mean, for a ninja to have a name. I'll just call you Ninja Brian. That has a cool ring to it, huh?"

He nodded and I think he smiled or something. His eyes flashed as he gestured for me to come over. He forcefully pushed me down, pulling my shirt over my head and dabbing at my wounds with a warm sponge.

"I-I didn't even hear you turn the water on...pretty stealthy, huh?"

He nodded once, dabbing at the bruises on my stomach with the sponge. He worked attentively, not breaking his focus from my battered skin. I winced every so often just to have him hold me to keep my still. When he finished, he rose and tossed a blanket at me.

"You should probably stay the night," he wrote on his whiteboard.

"Um...? Thanks, man. I appreciate it."

He retreated into a small room that smelled particularly like incense and blood.