Goodbye.

Now I know.

I was laying in the hospital bed as it been a few hours since my mum left.

I leaned over to check my phone. I reached out and looked at the time until I saw the bruises up my hand from that night... I quickly lay myself back down and tuck my hand under my pillow as the envelope my mum gave my rubbed against the back of my hand. I leaned back up and took out the folded piece of paper from the inside. I took out the letter that had lost it's colour after many years and began to read;

Dear Princess,

I know you are probably really confused but I hope that this will explain it all to you. It was when we found out your mum was pregnant with you it was the first day I collapsed. I was rushed to hospital and found out I had lung cancer... They said I may or may not be able to see you be born. I thought I wouldn't as the effects was rapidly taking effect. But that didn't stop me. I done everything correct. I balanced my diet so I can be healthier. I was in and out of hospital; on and off medication. But the one thing that was in my mind then whole time was watching you being born.

Trying so hard to keep strong. My body had taken a turn for the worse and had given up. I didn't have the energy to make it out of bed, until later that day I got a call from the hospital saying they were able to give me surgery. I never did have enough money to pay for them to remove everything but to remove enough to at least watch you be born. So I took up the surgery and it took weeks to heal.

I can remember it was early in the morning when your mum was staying at your nans house that she had gone into labour. Even though it had hurt to move I made my way to the hospital and watched my little princess being born. I told myself I wouldn't miss it for the world and I'm glad I didn't because you came out kicking and screaming and you were a little fighter.

I only expected to be alive for at least a week but I tried everything I could and I was lucky enough to watch you grow up. Just so you know, me and your mum wasn't very happy. Not in our relationship but in my health. She had to watch me take my medication everyday and slowly watch me fade away. But the one thing that kept us going and that kept the smiles on our faces was watching you explore the world.

I know you are reading this after I passed as I told your mother to give this to you when times were rough in hope this could make you smile. But I want you to understand that I never chose to leave you or your mum. I tried everything I could to stay with you and watch you grow. Each moment I treasured. Even the moments where you would come home crying because you fell over and scrapped your knee. It would always make me laugh because you would act touch even though you had tears sliding down your face. I knew you were going to be so strong when you were older.

Please remember that no matter what the situation or how ever you feel I never left you or wanted to but I am always with you. Maybe not physically but emotionally. I hope you're not a trouble maker like me and you have the beauty and the charm like your mother does.

Love you, Daddy x

Now I know. He never wanted to leave he never made the choice to give up. He tried and because of all his effort he got what he wanted. All of the pain and suffering I felt was because I never knew the truth.

I carefully tuck the note back in the envelope and slide it back under my pillow. I reach again for my phone and message my mum saying goodnight with loads of heart emoji to let her know I'm still thinking off her.

I rest my head upon the pillow and glaze up at the ceiling. For once in a long time I can go to sleep smiling and not let any negativity pull me down. For once in my life I can say I miss you dad and not want to burst out crying because or regret or sorrow, but of because love and happiness in knowing he has and will always love me. And that for many years even before his death him and my mum were both suffering but they made it for me. They never wanted me to feel alone. After this night I can open my eyes and see so much more than I could before.

I rest my eyes keep my hand under my pillow allowing my hand to wrap around the letter and not letting go of it all night.