30 Day Letter Challenge - MuahahaX3 Edition.

Letter Twelve - The Person You Hate Most/Caused You The Most Pain.

"Hate" is a really strong word. I'm not sure I'd use it towards someone. I may dislike them, but I wouldn't really go as far as to say I hate them.

Dear Charlotte,

Yes, I am writing a letter to myself. To be honest, although I do have pretty high self-esteem and I love myself, sometimes I have my moments. Like, how come I am so empty? I get angry often, but I calm myself down, because I can't freak out on them. It's not fair. I can't be that person.

Sometimes I feel so talentless. I see these people on Youtube, amazing singers, dancers, talkers. All of that. I look at myself. I can do all those things, but never as well as they can. I feel so empty. I'm like a blank canvas that hasn't been painted yet. I'm a person who's just trying to find their calling.

I really think I'm hurting myself when I think of these things. I don't hate myself, that's not what this letter is for. I'm the person who causes myself the most pain. I put the stress on myself, I put the hate in my heart, I cloud my thoughts. I'm the one who is harming myself, not physically, but mentally and emotionally. It makes me want things I can never have. That's what I hate the most.

I will never be the most amazing, the most beautiful, the smartest, the most talented. I can only make use of what I have.

I want Korean lessons, but my mom would put up such a fight. We're Chinese, and she hates my obsession with SHINee. I've repeated this so many times, I love my obsessions the most. Nico, he was one of them. I love him so much. SHINee, I love them. Over anything else, they are there for me. People come and go, friends can stray and become disloyal, family can abandon you. Obsessions though, they stay, even after you've given up on them. They are always there in your thoughts, your heart, your soul. They are eternal.

I sorta want vocal and dancing lessons. I can't hit high notes very well, and it drives me insane. I can't dance for shit, but I want to be able to do something cool. I used to want to be a singer when I was younger, but a few years back I changed my goals. Now though, although I am still awkward about thoughts of being a signed artist, I would love the opportunity to at least get that chance to try. That's why I want to audition for SM next year. My parents wouldn't support me, and I don't think I'd be able to handle that from the people who are supposed to always encourage me.

But, I will say this. Although the pressure may be high, although you may not always get the things you want, you must stay strong. Charlotte is stronger than this. Charlotte can handle the heat, she can do so many things. Even if you're not the most talented or beautiful person, you have a type of light that draws people to you.

Stay shining forever,

Charlotte