I came out from hospital. Although my whole body was paining, it was far better to bear it and run away from those voices and screams which grip my neck and make me to struggle for breath.
I didn't know where I was walking and where I need to reach. I was just walking to run away from them.
But where ever I go, they were following me and I could listen them and even see them sometimes. I used to scream, become violent and even scratch my body myself when they taunt me more.
Blood was flowing from wounds although it was sutured. Some bandages were loosened, some were already fallen off and some were removed by me when I get attacked by them and become violent. It got more infected. But still I continued to walk without knowing where I had been reached.
Dev, Dad and Sumiti., they and their voices started becoming my habit and even sometimes I used to feel like I am with them in new world but sometimes, I used to be more taunting by them.
Along with them and their voices, one demon started coming inside me and it used to make me so breathless as it used to catch my heart so tightly.
These all made me want to die.
But I don't know what made me alive!
——-
Back to Spandana Hospital
November 5, 2015
I can hardly remember those things now. I cannot remember anything., especially that period of one month when I was lost and was running away from those voices and screams.
After I got full insight of my disease and started to recover., I was told that my family found me after one month of that accident and admitted me to NIMHANS hospital for the treatment.
They said that they had found me near to the Kethohalli village in the same hospital uniform which was torn somewhere else, with the dirty hair and wounds all over body and my plastered left hand.
I experienced many traumatic moments after I got admitted there.
Those dead bodies and the monsters demons inside me used to taunt me everyday, every second of the day which made me more violent and made me want to die. They told that I tried to kill one of the nurse that time.
I tried to commit suicide more than ten times but every time it failed. Someone always used to find and see me whenever I try.
The most traumatic experience was of being mechanically restrained. My first few days in hospital, I was restrained probably twenty hours a day, then fifteen hours until my violent behavior didn't reduce. Restraining for several hours a day was extremely painful and it also made me to feel more degraded and helplessness. May be they did it for treatment! But it was really a traumatic experience.
In addition to that, I experienced losing privacy. In the beginning., I sometimes was watched when I showered and went to bathroom
Although I didn't talk with anyone more, I was given no privacy in conversations. Staffs were present at every conversation I had, including with family.
After one month of hospitalization, I was told that I was pregnant with one month baby. I didn't know, I was raped!
I got aborted.
Those were extremely traumatic moments for me.
After my violent behavior reduced for some extent, I was stopped being restrained.
I was kept in that hospital for six months and then transferred to Spandana. After four years of their care and treatment., those voices left me to taunt but those demons remained till now.
As I started getting insight that I have paranoid schizophrenia and got my every memory back., I started feeling same pain of losing those two men whom I loved most.
After I lose them, only my mind was hurted, but now heart's being started to ache. I started to feel the same pain again. I realized, I hadn't loved them only with my heart. I had loved them with my mind too. And once we keep them both in mind and heart, it leads to the condition same as mine.
I started feeling guilty of my father's death. He died because of me. If I had obeyed him and driven carefully then he wouldn't have died. It's just because of me. This guilt made me feel more worse and started killing me inside every fraction of second.
Remembering Dev and that guilt, I feel like to die but again I think, after my death also I can't be with Dev as Sumiti might be with him. Hell! They two are together in heaven also. Bitch!
And also who else wants to die when your life has already become Worst Than Death.
Is my life a punishment? Or my sins made me to suffer? Or is it the gift of of my eternal love? Or is it what I deserve?
Whom should I ask? God?.. No, I want to ask with someone who could answer me, not with someone who only listens!
