Loving Ashlynn (#Wattys2016)

Chapter 21 - My Bottom Line (Brennan Conrad POV)Pt. 3

Chapter 21 - My Bottom Line (Brennan Conrad POV)Pt. 3

"Before I even explain Brennan, there are things I just..." he shrugs, "I cannot tell you." I'm nodding despite wondering what Samson couldn't share with me? Since when did we have secrets, especially when it wasn't feasible when it was just impossible? Everyone knew what the other knew, except maybe my parents... they knew more but only because once my mother's father stepped down as head, dad stepped in his place as mom's father never had any sons.

I'm not sure of others, but in our home my siblings and I all had our similarities, differences, likes and dislikes. Probably because mom wanted us all to follow our hearts, try new things, have hobbies, take advantage of the entire world had to offer. Sure we had to remain below our actual abilities outside in the world but at home, each one of us was encouraged to shine.

Outside of that though, right now, all I could think was how different Silas and Samson had been.

Especially now, when even after agreeing to explain or let me in, Samson was locked inside his head; had this been Silas I'd have already known what he was thinking and be halfway down to my room already. But Samson was different; he fiddled with the controller until finally he just became motionless.

In his stillness any and all of my impatience melted away.

"Do you remember how I used to complain – jokingly – about being a twin?" he asks me sardonically, frowning and the bitterness flows. I was not expecting what he was asking me. Then again when Samson carries on without my reply, I know he's not.

Intense as ever, he cocks his head to the right, his glasses that he never took off – those that were just for show – inch down his nose. "Lately I realized that there are far worse things than not having – from S-Silas b-being gone," the words wreck me, flip my stomach, take hold of my heart and lungs – it seems – and squeezes.

"How – how can you even say that?" I asked him aghast. There was simply nothing worse than Silas dying. My dismay however is pushed aside momentarily. Did Samson always think this way? Or was it something that was recent? Put in his head by Faith? Was this why he only trusted Taylor because it's what he's thought all the time? My contemplation went from one side to the other.

"I know it sounds cruel, and it's not all I feel, but a small part of me turns that idea around in my mind," he shakes his head, straightening up, clearing his throat before beginning again, "name three things that are different about you and Devin – tastes wise. Like, what are three things she loves but you do not, or vice versa." Still reeling on his... confession? Was it even that?

Faltering at the sudden change in direction I only blink attempting to keep up with Samson's train of thought, "She hates cold pizza, once used my tooth brush which – ugh – I mean sure we kiss but that's just," I shake my head, "she has long toe nails that I wish she'd trim but she likes them long so she can do nail art on them," I roll my eyes at that last one. Slowly, Samson turns to me, his gaze disbelieving and something else I cannot place, maybe it's disgust but it's a fleeting expression.

"Hmm. Okay," his lips purse as though he's sucked on a lemon, "well – my three favorite songs are Redemption Song, Many Rivers to Cross and Thinkin Bout You," I nod, "and Taylors favorite three songs are Redemption Son, Many Rivers to Cross and Thinkin Bout You."

My brows are instantly pushed together in confusion, "it's not uncommon for people to have the same taste in music, even have the same favorite songs."

"I don't want to date myself Brennan. She likes everything – down to my favorite all time quote – I mean if I like it, so does Taylor. I've yet to come across something that I like and she doesn't or vice versa," Samson says monotone, a bored expression on his face, "I'm not interested in Taylor, no matter how you try to look at it or make me see it, I do not. Would you date Harleigh?" he asks me nearly ranting. I scrunch my nose up, despite knowing from day one that Harleigh was my adoptive sister, she was just sister to me.

"Exactly, dating Taylor would be like dating Harleigh for me," he says strongly, but returns to fiddling with his controller.

I nod, "I hear you but it just... if you're deciding between Faith and Taylor, Faith just seems like much more work... I mean she alienates herself from us and because she does, you do as well. Since she's been here you've pulled away from us much more, and Taylor as well-"

"We all used to hang out when you weren't dating Devin but when you two really became official, you wanted to go off by yourself more and more," throws back at me nonchalantly, and the slap to the face is his understanding tone, not the words.

"Look Brennan, Fatima – and I – we're just friends and she isn't why I do not want Taylor, I want someone who is not afraid to be their self around me, I want a girl that isn't a well shined mirror. I've never led Taylor on either," he tells me randomly, although with the pointed stare he gives me, I'm guessing he's heard something like I had with him and dad earlier.

"When it comes to Fatima though," he puts the controller on the bed behind him, nervously running his palms over his covered thighs. I watch him intently, noting the way his heartbeat picks up, and the way his cheeks and neck flush slowly until his ears had tinged to a light pink. In body stance alone I can see Samson closing up, and slowly taking in his reason's for not returning Taylor's feelings, I note that Samson was somewhere in that not ready to clearly admit his feelings for Faith stage. Or maybe it was me he didn't want to reveal them too. Could he sense my less than-

"Fatima reminds me of Silas," Samson whispers softly, and had I not been paying attention I would have missed it, "When I'm with her Brennan..." he shakes his head, "I feel like he isn't-"

"Nothing can bring him back," I blurt out, already realizing where this was going, "I mean it's – you cannot chose someone, like them because of Silas Samson," I say seriously.

"No," Samson denies, "It's not because of Silas, Bren," shaking his head vehemently though I'm not easily convinced. "Fatima reminds me of Silas in the best ways, makes me feel as though he isn't so far away. Gone, yes, but she has a way of just bringing out a part of me that Silas was able too, that I cannot show to anyone else," he pleads with me to understand, but I don't.

Samson was the most reserved of all of us, but now, I watch as his bottom lip trembles and he inhales as though he's taking his final breath, "I talk to her about him, and – and I'm not – I don't feel as though I'm merely a bunch of pieces held together by fake smiles. I feel very... connected... I have this urge to protect and be around her... and when I am, it's okay to – to just be..."

"Silas he was always taking care of me... you know?" Samson's eyes fill; turn watery as his voice becomes uneven, rough and low, "And, I just feel like he knew I was hiding, that I needed someone and somehow sent me Fatima," he shrugs swallowing thickly, emotions never shown out in the silence, bouncing off the walls, hitting me as I take it all in, my own gaze going blurry. Overwhelmed I flick my eyes up towards the ceiling, not really looking at or for anything but needing a moment.

"Don't tell anyone – what – about any of this," Samson says once more when regained composure,  settled the torrent of sadness, lost in our own thoughts. Nodding, my heart heavy, I tell him goodnight, not bothering to stop for something to eat in the kitchen, just going straight to my own room thoughts in discord, needing to the person I always sought comfort from. 

.

.

.

_____________

© 2016 roxann_season All Rights Reserved

1. Do you guys think that Samson is trying to replace Silas with Fatima?

2. Or has he explained their connection?