Brennan and I had dodged questions when we got onto the bus with Thaddeus, Harleigh, Talia, Caterina and Paige.
"Stop acting as though you didn't leave Taylor and Devin behind. I didn't speak up but neither did you. What happened in there, that is the last time you pretend that you're somehow better than me, or did not behave exactly as I did."
I stood frozen, heart feeling as though it were being slammed against my ribs, "and it's a good thing we left them because Taylor murdered Silas."
"It is our secret, Javier, do you understand?"
Restless all night, and not even about how Antone - Kalenah's father - wanted to handle my sister Devin, I'm not only awoken from hidden memories.
The people that have been family up to now feel like people that made my skin crawl - they couldn't help how I'm sure they felt. My sister murdered their brother. Our history did not matter.
Knowing that guilt was building deep inside me. Layer after damn layer and the only people to blame were my parents. The thought brings tears to my eyes. Pushing my fingers against my closed eyes, I'm close to gouging them out as memories of Jules plays in my minds eye, actual vision dotted.
A banging on the door ends the pity party that I'm having here. Clearing my throat, "Yeah?"
I wait, eyes on the door.
"We're getting breakfast, Javier," Thaddeus is the one to come and tell me. A part of me chips; it is like an old teacup with a knick. Talia isn't the one that came to tell me. I understand it. It stings though but as understanding as I am of the current situation, my fury burgeons.
At mom the most, but my father is just as much a guilty party as her.
Inhaling, I leave the bed, fixing it up and pulling up my bag of clothes as well - changing before I leave the little room. When I do, my nervousness and the avoidance and moroseness of the people that are my friends, bites like a whip.
As I walk to the food area where the others have set up a kind of food bar, I'm not hungry. Hell the scent alone makes me sick, but I push on grabbing a paper plate, moving along and adding eggs, toast and steak bits to it. A plastic fork is the last thing I take and instead of heading to my girlfriend, I force myself not to look at her.
If this was any other person and I was not in love with Talia, I would have raced over to her. That girl that I loved, I'd be able to tell her how broken up inside I was. That for years I'd carried the darkness of my families demons inside me.
She'd tell me that it's not my fault. That it's my parents, Taylors... all the people that somehow failed to note that she needed help but not me. I was just a kid.
They knew. They knew and it was kept concealed.
But the reality of the situation is that my sister didn't just kill Talia's brother. It's more than just that. God I was there when it happened. Silas was gone, but it wasn't just that one act. It was months of grieving. Kalenah cried endlessly, always disappearing to the bathroom, pantry, the basement, hell I've seen her turn towards the brick wall in the kitchen just to hide tears.
Talia had nightmares, fearful of this unknown person that could strike at anytime. The six months following Silas' death we couldn't even walk to the end of the driveway.
I look down at the plate I'm holding with blurred vision. What did people think of me? Not because it was about me, but because Taylor grieved, I mean she would cry with the Conrad's. She mourned with them. What kind of monster does something like that? How can any of them see me and not think I am a monster too?
So, I turn my back and inhale deeply, Talia is the last person that I can burden with the truth.
There were many in the den, but since we only mostly hung out with the Conrad's when I see Courtney - Angela's wife - with their two kids Shelly and Tyler, I head to their little table.
"Mind if I sit here?" I flicker to the empty spot, unsure. Silas was Angela's nephew; maybe Courtney would want to keep her distance too. Show solidarity. I'd understand. The kids do not pay me any mind, but Courtney gazes up at me, her dark hair and eyes peering right into me.
Her gaze shifts behind me and I'm tempted to look back but I know better. Or well I don't really. I was too afraid to look at my friends and girlfriend because I couldn't handle the terror I might see if they looked at me.
With Courtney's okay I sit, listening to Tyler talk about nothing important but it's a great welcomed distraction. Form the corner of my eye each time I saw someone I'd hope that maybe it was Talia coming over. Breakfast passes and little Shelly with her bright blonde hair and ice blue orbs, narrow at my paper plate. "Mommies say that you have to eat all your food and not waste it," she says giving Courtney a side-glance to make sure she had repeated that correctly I'm sure.
Snorting, Courtney looks at Shelly with all the love and adoration that my mother had given Taylor. I had never forgotten what Taylor did or what my parents did when I told them - much too late to save Jules.
Instead, a lie was born.
My mother became indulgent with Taylor, "I will not lose another daughter, and we've already lost Jules Javier."
"Why would you do that Taylor?" she had asked, holding Taylor by her shoulders. Weeping.
"You always let her pick, so now she won't pick," she shrugged, "Can we have pancakes for dinner daddy?" Taylor asked in the same sentence.
I had never been able to understand. You tell the lie for so long, eventually you start to believe it. Not that alone, everyone knew how terrible the Elders truly were. They had no reason to suspect that my older sister died as a result of Taylor's actions and not the Elders.
Sonya was supposed to help her, I think bitterly as I force my food into my mouth, struggling to swallow and please the blue eyed children looking up at me.
