Always Yours: Words I Never Said

Chapter 13: Reconcile

THIS IS IT OHMYGOD

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"Awesome!" Exclaimed my vocal coach. "You're doing great, Kim." We traded high fives then he got up from his stool and with a grin on his face, he left. Steve was a close friend of mine, and it had been great seeing him after almost two months.

My smile faded as I looked at the plain walls and the littered room. I stood up and deciding against sitting on the worn out bean bag chairs, I crossed my legs on the floor. I pressed my back tot he wall and I could have been meditating, only,I was trying to sleep. Winter made me drowsy.

There was the sound of the door opening and then I felt a body beside me. I knew the scent well enough to know it was Stanley, so I didn't bother to move. He nudged me in the ribs.

"Hey Kimmy." He whispered. I opened my eyes and looked at him. He was smiling softly in that protective-proud older brotherly way. I put my head on his shoulder with a sigh.
"'Sup dude." I mumbled our greeting to him.

"You okay?"
"Terrific."

"Look, Kim I know you're upset. I'm worried about you, okay? I can't have my shooting star fade away again. You're like a little sister to me and I can't see you like this much longer." He said and put his arm around my shoulders. "Also, the label wants you to show your pretty face around a little more."

I chuckled but relaxed a little bit.

"I know that, Stan, and, but- I don't know anymore. I don't know what to do. There's nothing left to do. I'm not FBI, CIA or secret services. I can't get the details I want. I can't know what the actual fuck happened to the video that was messed with. I will never know who did it. I will never be able to convince him." I bit my lip.

"There's a lot to do, Kim." He said.
"Like what?" I asked, hoping he'd give me something useful.
"Like singing, my lil' champ, like singing. What you're best at, and has anyone told you that look you have on your face you're singing something? It's all intense and you look like you're not even here- like you've gone to another uni-"

"Stop it." I commanded, pushing my palms against my eye-sockets and seeing stars.

Those were the exact things I had thought of the night when we....consociated. I closed my eyes and relived the night in my head, all the while saddening myself and putting myself through the agony that I didn't need. I felt two swipes on my cheek and realized I was crying in front of Stan which possibly was awkward but Stan was used to me crying over songs...however, this wasn't a song. This was the hard-faced reality and I had never hated it more.

But- I didn't hate it. I was just mad at it.

"It's almost Christmas, and then New Year's. Get home. Get rest. And Kimmers?"
"Hm?"
"Live a little."

I stared at him for a minute before shrugging and getting to my feet. When I was at the door, his voice stopped me again. "He would've been proud."

I laughed humorlessly.
"If he'd just held on a little longer, he'd have more reasons to be proud."

****

It was night time. Almost past 10:30 PM on New Year's eve and I was in a glittery, tight, midnight blue, knee length dress. All set for partying. I still don't know how I had made up my mind for that.

Christmas was as uneventful as any other day of the year except Logan, Mackenzie, James, Carlos Alexa and Sixx, Rebecca and Cole all dropped in from time-to-time and brought presents. Unsurprisingly, I had only gotten gifts for them, too.

And of course I wasn't expecting them to drop by at dinner so Rosa and I looked at each other and silently agreed to order pizza. They did put me in a good mood. It felt like I was finally leaving it behind, but somehow it managed to come back to me.