I'm Happy If You Are

Of Course It Hurts!

  "We forget that the water cycle and the life cycle are one."

 -Jacques Yves Cousteau-

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Chapter 23:

(Kerri's POV)

My sobs echo the room when he shuts the door softly. I know that to hope he will come back is ridiculous because just by the way he shut the door tells me that he isn't angry at me, he's angry with himself and he will continue to beat himself up over whatever he's mad at himself about.

Maybe it's the way he acted towards Lucas this whole time or maybe it's because he knew that it was a horrible idea to ever try to gain my trust with his background.

Honestly, I am mad at myself for not listening to Lucas, poor Lucas. All I've done is pushed him aside and blocked him out and all he's tried to do is protect me. I keep doing this to him and he still stayed the night in that uncomfortable chair. He still worried about me when both Grey and I treated him like crap.

And here I am trying to decide how I will ever convince Lucas to forgive me. He can't forgive me. All these years of friendship were the world to him and once was to me but now I don't know if I should be making decisions for myself anymore. I can't see Lucas forgiving me.

"Kerri, you should be in bed dear," a very young blonde nurse came into the room with a bright smile.

She walks over to me with a worried expression, the lines in her forehead deeper and her eyebrows furrowed. "Why are you crying?" she sat on the bed beside me," my name's Molly, you can talk to me dear." I showed her my face more and she saw the puffiness around my eyes and the dried tears that lay on my cheeks.

I get the notepad and pencil from earlier and flipped the page of nostalgia.

A tear escaped my eyes from reminiscing on the page I just flipped.

I feel like I've messed up really bad this time.

She reads it after I turn it around and she looks at me oddly. I give her an odd look and she gives me what I need most.

"Darling, if you're upset about that sweet looking guy he's sitting just outside the patient rooms door, he didn't leave and that dark mysterious guy that came out of the room all calm like, he is sitting in the bathroom."

She sees the realization on my face and smiles. "Which one is the boyfriend?" she laughs and I smile.

They didn't leave me. Neither of them did.

The dumb smile I sport across my face makes her smile even larger.

Neither, the nice looking one is my best friend. I betrayed him over the bad looking one. I write and show her it.

She looks at me with a knowing look," I too had a bad boy once. Wanna know what happened?"

I nod with a smile.

I bet she ends up lonely and depressed then she finds a better guy and she forgets all about him.

"Well, let's start from the beginning. I end up falling out of my tree house, right? And Mr. Prince Charming catches me because he just happens to be walking by my house at the time. After that, he runs over my dog one day I was like 17 at the time. Then we find ourselves being partners for our history project. Imagine how awkward it is to have the person you hate the person you have to do a project with."

I have found myself laughing and smiling along with her and her story.

"So I am sitting in my living room trying to get him to concentrate on the project and he kisses me. From there it's bad boy drama and multiple fights, drunk swim parties and a mishap on the motorcycle before I find out that I'm in love with him. Seven years later, I've got a baby bump at our wedding," she ends it with a proud smile, and tears.

I grin at her and think about Grey as a father. To me, that's just not possible. He would be a terrible father.

She sees my grin fade and she becomes worried. "Kerri, I promise, this is just a thing he will go through but until then, hang on tight, he stayed. That's something," she brings back her pearly white smile," don't pass up something when you could have nothing."

I nod and she gets up off the bed. "Now, you get some sleep. You get to go home in the morning if they don't see anything wrong."

I smile when she opens the door. I crawl under the covers and she shuts the door behind her.

I feel like Grey cares as much as he thinks he does because, honestly, if he cared he wouldn't hurt Lucas, because hurting Lucas is like hurting me.

I want to trust Grey. I want to trust Grey and I want Lucas to stay just the way he is but I just cannot. I cannot trust Grey due to the fact that he just cannot do anything for anyone else.

I shut my eyes immediately when I hear the door click open and shut.

"Kerri? Are you still awake?" It is Lucas.

I decide not to be awake and listen to his soft footsteps on the tile floor.

He comes closer to me, standing at my bedside. "I am so sorry for storming out. I don't know what got into me. It just drives me crazy how easy you are to give away your trust to him and leave me in the dust. I mean, I'm here for you every day and I am not only here for you every day but I'm constantly worried about it. There's not a minute of the day that goes by that I don't think about you."

I feel his hand come across my cheek and up into my hair, pulling it back softly, out of my face.

I refrain from smiling now that I know he can see my face.

I cannot believe that he thinks about me all the time. Well, he is my best friend, he is a big part of my life. But his sincerity makes it Sound like he's in love with me.

"And Kerri, make your own decisions. If you want to give your trust to him, then good, just don't leave me in the dirt again. I love you Kerri."

My heart literally skips a beat and I feel like crying again.

"Damn it, that sounds so stupid. I'm so fucking stupid." He scolds himself with a harsh tone I don't even recognize.

Where did this Lucas come from?

I hear him pace back and forth across the floor.

What is he getting so worked up over?

He comes back to my bed side and begins again. "Kerri, I want you to be my best friend, I want to be able to be there for you every second of the way. I want your trust and I want you to make the decisions the way you wanna. Trust him if you dare, but don't leave me in the dust to have to worry about you. I don't stop thinking about you and worrying about you. I love you Kerri."

His words hit my heart and I feel the lump in my throat begin to swell. I push it down as he walks away from me.

"Goodnight Kerri."

I reply with a good night in my head and I soon fall asleep hoping that Lucas is comfortable where ever he may be in the room.

What do you think...? Yes, no, maybe? Please give some type of feedback. I need motive! Comment or vote! -C