I ONLY HAVE To Laugh

Week 3 Fight, Run or Die in Place

Day 13

This is the beginning of a new week, I cleaned up my house last night for the exterminators to come today and spray the house for all the buggies. The kitchen looked brand new like when I moved in and I had a memory, I recalled standing next to that white clean counter and thinking to me this was our second chance. Boy,  was I wrong, I believe in signs and it was a blessing when I found this house. We had looked for a house for 2 years and I was about to give up, when out of nowhere this huge 3000 square foot home, on 2 acres, with a pool, mother-in-law cottage shows up in my price range. You see we lived in the city in a beautiful modern home. I made a deal with Mr. Man that I wanted my girls to go to a good school and I did not want to wait to buy my dream home, I wanted it now, to enjoy my girls in a huge home with a pool, while I was still young. I told him once the girls were out of High School then we would sell and move to the country, as this was his lifelong dream . Well, then the mortgage crash hit and I am in finance, so I was hit hard. I helped Mr. Man find a new job and his income increased but so did his ego. We were house poor and I agreed to sell the new house and move back to the rental as soon as the girls graduated from High School and look for a farm house in our budget. We did move back to the rental and that's when all hell broke loose, I found out about his fling, kicked him out and then took him back. I wanted to save our marriage and family, so then the big mistake. Some women go out and have a baby to save their marriage, not me I buy a house. This is a great house but a fixer upper, I have completed some home improvements, but believe me I have home improvements to last a lifetime. I could sell but as you know I am in finance and I bought the home with equity, so I am staying, the house is in my name only and it is mine. I bet Mr. Man did not see that coming, his jaw dropped when I told him.

Anyways, I am at work today and we have a daily read and this is what showed uptoday, an article about fear. Fight, Run or Die in Place. "Fear can make people run away, shut down, or fight.Grittiness is integral to fighting -- literally and figuratively. When the decision to fight is made, you have to be able to take a punch and accept pain." I have decided to fight, I decided to fight for my right to be treated like a lady, the privilege to be myself, and have fought for the opportunity to love myself. I took a punch, and Mr. Man decided to run, I will not die in place. I will keep on fighting and Mr. Man can keep on running, hopefully into a Semi Truck, just kidding. I only have to laugh.    

Day 14

Well today was a really busy day for me, I did a lot and up against a deadline for a report on the 15th but I am going to Vegas on the 15th so I have to hustle. Yeah, I have a Vegas trip it was planned months ago before all this bullshit. One of my party girls is turning 30, yeah go figure I can still hang with 30 year olds, they invited me. It is a good thing as it could not have come at a better time. I laugh secretly inside because Mr. Man never wanted me to go to Vegas alone, he always had to tag along, and now I can go solo. I am really looking forward to a weekend of drinking, dancing and conversation with random strangers. With that being said, I finally bit the bullet and called Mr. Man. The exterminator thing was a total fiasco, Mr. Man was supposed to arrange for payment for the spraying of the rental and my house, while he did not, so of course I was pissed. I told him this happened because he refuses to speak with me. Then asshole leaves me a message and says "the exterminator says your house is infested but not mine," meaning the rental. Well that pissed me off, yeah I thought it is infested alright with all your F@@@@@ Bullshit that I have taken and now have to clean up. It also made me sad that he could dismiss this house with such disdain, that he lived in just about a month ago. So I called him in the morning and said "why are you so rude to me?" What did I do to deserve for you to treat me with such disregard? He was just quiet. I said, I know we will never get back together and I don't want too, but at least we can be civil to each other. He is still very quiet. I go on to say, I do not want to hate you. I do not want to be that bitter woman; my life means too much to me. And your life should mean enough to you. Well, he makes some small talk and can barely speak, then it hit me, he is the one that cannot speak to me. I could hear the bitterness in his voice and he is not happy. Wow. I have the power. He thanked me for calling and I told him you know you are an asshole and you should work on that because no one is going to like you. He said, he was trying to work on that, and we both laughed. Wow. It felt good to get that off my chest. I feel like Wonder Woman. I got the Power!!! So Vegas, here I come!!! Mama's going to have a good time. Vegas Baby!!!

Day 15

I missed yesterday's journal, I was so crazy busy. So here is a recap. I had training and 2 meetings, a photo shoot (LOL) and that project that I need to complete before I take off to Vegas. It is hard to keep up but I enjoy writing. It is therapeutic and my free therapy.

When I was in my depressed state two weeks ago, I responded to a request to submit an entry to be featured on the company's recruitment web page, I was feeling down so I completed a paragraph on a whim, stating how I started as a temporary employee, wanted a permanent position and now have a career, blah, blah, blah and was recently promoted. Well after I sent it I realized it was an answer and question segment and I wrote a paragraph, what the heck it was already submitted and I was not going to resubmit. Well, they called me and I was selected, of course they used my words and placed in the correct format, does not quite sound the same, mine was better but what the heck and they also requested a picture. OMG, that was terrible I must have taken 30 pictures, I told the company photographer that basically he sucked, as my personal "party girl' photographer can take fabulous selfies of me. Anyways after 30 attempts we found one, it is not great but not too bad, I look my age but professional, who knows maybe I will attract an older gentleman? Maybe not after my last experience I am starting to think all men are assholes. I only have to laugh. 

Day 16

Yahoo, I finished my report and I am on top of the world. It looks awesome. Not too bad for the new kid on the block. I am so ready for Vegas. Can you believe it Mr. Man texted me today. "X how are you doing? Are you freaking serious??? What are we in High School that you have to call me "X"? I swear I have to wonder about myself? How on earth could I be in love with a man with such lack of intelligence and brains? I am appalled that he cannot have a conversation with a woman he was married to for almost 20 years. Is this sudden token of interest supposed to make me happy by calling me "X" Aaagh so disgusting, I am so ready for Vegas and with a text like that no sooner than later will I stop loving this man. I only have to laugh. Vegas Baby!!!

}l~