I ONLY HAVE To Laugh

The Scream Part 8

The Scream

I am so tired of people telling me you're Strong, so smart, so beautiful you will come out of this a better person. Really??? What the fuck does that mean? Really, being smart, strong and beautiful does not mean shit when you are in a fucked up situation. I hear the advice from everyone and no one really knows how I feel. I hear, think about the good years and realize that it is for the best and move on. Really, at this point I cannot think of any good years, all I see is the bad. I remember what is happening now. I have an aunt who say's "you can do all the good in your life and be the best person, but do one bad thing and that is what is remembered." She is right, Mr. Man was a good man at one time but right now he is such an asshole that is all I can remember. I truly am starting to "hate" him and that sucks because I am really a "happy" person.

I went out last weekend, and was miserable all I could see were 45 year old men hitting on 25 year old women. They were taking them out to the dance floor buying them drinks and thinking they are the shit. All I could think to myself is this what I have to look forward to older men hitting on younger woman and me sitting on the side lines desperately hoping that they will ask me to dance. Yuck!!! This is High School all over again, do we not ever grow up. It is so fucken disgusting. Then to top things off I find out that Mr. Man is out and about going out dancing and drinking with other women. I am so fucken pissed, I am not jealous of this man; I do not want him back. I am angry that he can just walk away and be free. I am still a mother; I have all the responsibility I cannot allow myself to walk away. This is so fucken unfair; this man can just go on with his life as if nothing has happened. I don't even have a Face Book because I am waiting for my daughters Quinceneara to be over because I have respect and do not want to cause any drama. But this man is out and about throwing it in my face I am so pissed.

To make matters worse, there was an incident that occurred with my teenage daughters. I called, Mr. Man to let him know what was going on and we were to meet the other parents. Mr. Man comes from work and we go together to discuss with the other parents. First, of all he said, nothing, just stood there like a "zombie", I did all the talking. I swear he has forgotten how to speak. Well the matter was diffused and we went home. Again, said nothing. Oh, except that he missed 2 hours of work and had to get back. Yeah, that was his priority. The evening comes no phone call no nothing. My daughters are distraught and so am I, so in a moment of weakness I call him. Of course, no answer, and about 10pm he calls and says he was watching a movie and missed my call. I told him never mind, and then he asked finally, "Are you, ok?" I said, "No" and told him how upset I was that he could just go on with his life and I have all the weight, that I still got screwed in the end. He said nothing.

So, last night I am telling my older daughter how I was so disappointed that he has not called to check on his daughters who have been distraught over this incident. My older daughter so boldly points out "well what do you expect?" he never cared to say anything before, so what would make things different? You need to accept he is never coming back and go on with your life. I am not going to hate him he is my father he is an asshole to you but he is not to me.

Then...it happens I just SCREEEEAM_____________and scream. And said, you don't understand I do not want him back, I never want him back but how do you just turn off 20 years of your life. He can just go on but I am mom, I have responsibilities I cannot lose it. I do not have the luxury of just moving on. Please let me be angry, let me vent, I cannot stand it. But I never want him back, you expect me to get over this in 3 months, this was 20 years of my life, you do not forget it in 1 month, 2 months or 3. Please leave me alone. My daughter looks at me and said, good, that's the reaction you need. I glare at her and go to my room, my other daughter comes in the room and says 1 month, it is one month for every year you were married, so you have about 18 months to get over this and move on. I looked at her and just laughed, really 1 year and half. 

I only Have to Laugh.