Down in the Forest || Joshler [Completed]

5- Scars

***Trigger Warning***
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I heard sniffling and opened my eyes. It took me a moment to realize that the sound was coming from above me. Josh's cries were muffled and harsh.

"Josh?" I asked timidly. He took in a deep breath in an attempt to hide that he was crying.

"Um, uh, yea?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yea. Of course."

"Are you lying?" He was silent for a while. I didn't think that he was going to answer me when suddenly he broke into heavy sobs. I didn't know what to do. I slid out of my bed and faced the bunk. I saw Josh sitting with his knees pulled to his chest, his shoulders shaking. "Can I come up?"

"No, just l-leave me alone."

"I want to help you. I know that you're not okay."

"You don't get it!" Josh yelled. The extreme of his voice caused me to jump backwards. He finally looked up at me and I could see how red his eyes were from the tears. "You don't understand, Tyler."

"I don't understand?" I laughed. "You don't know me either, Josh. I'm not all basketball and parties. I have my own problems. You think that I don't know what it's like to cry yourself to sleep? Or to hate yourself?" I felt something catch in my throat and snapped my mouth shut. I had said too much. I wanted to go back to sleep but I couldn't back down now. Josh just looked at me. "So, can i come up?" He nodded his head and I climbed up next to him. I sat with my legs hanging off of the side, our shoulders touching slightly. The close proximity to him made me nervous but I tried to ignore those thoughts so that I could help him. "So, why were you crying?"

"It's stupid."

"If it upset you, then it's not stupid." Josh looked at me and tried to smile.

"It's Brendon. He and I, we used to be a thing. Last year. We kissed and he told me that he loved me." My eyes widened in surprise. Thinking about Josh being with Brendon made my heat ache. "But then, on the last day of camp, he told me that he was straight and he just wanted to experiment and that he never loved me. And, now, he just treats me like I'm fucking garbage." His cries came back and I placed a hand on his back. "Tyler?" Josh asked.

"Yea?"

"What do you mean you know what it's like to hate yourself? Don't take this the wrong way, but you're popular and people like you. Why would you hate yourself." I hesitated. I wasn't ready to tell him my whole back story, but if it would get him to stop crying, I had to try.

"Because I have to lie to myself and everyone else just to be liked."

"What does that mean?"

"I'm, um," I stuttered. I had never said it out loud to anyone besides my therapist. "I'm gay." I looked down at my hands and saw how tightly I had had them clasped together. The ends of my fingertips were nearing white and I let them go.

"Oh. Okay." I looked over at Josh and he sniffled again.

"If I were to be myself in front of my friends, I'd be kicked off the team. Basketball is my only chance at getting into college. I'm not gonna get in with my academics, so I need to get a basketball scholarship."  I looked back at my hands as they moved with my words. "And all of that lying gets to you. It bores it's way into your heart and brain and messes you up. You think that you have to stay hidden forever and that if you were to be honest, nobody would love you. I spend every day at school with a fake smile on my face and with a false confidence I've spent years building up."

"Jesus. I had no idea."

"That's kind of the point," I said, trying to hold back tears that I knew would come. I had to be strong. I had to stay strong in front of Josh. "But, all of that makes me hate myself. I hate lying. And, even worse than the lying, is having to do whatever my friends say. I can't say no to them. I have to go along with their antics. I have to like the things they like and hate the things they hate. I hate to bully the people they bully, and it kills me."

"Can I ask you something? If it's too personal, you don't have to answer."

"Okay," I said, cautiously.

"Have you ever, um, hurt yourself?" I looked up at Josh. I nodded my head slowly and he looked away from me.

"Have you?"

"Yea." My heart grew heavier as the simple word left his lips. "Can I show you?" I looked back at Josh.

"Why?"

"I need someone besides me to know."

"Okay." He pulled his shirt off and held his arms out to me. I scanned my eyes over the plethora of scars. Most of them were old, but a few were relatively fresh. I was surprised that I hadn't seen them when he was shirtless yesterday, but I figured that it was because I wasn't looking for them. I lifted my hand, without thinking, and traced the cuts with my fingers. The rough skin brought back so many memories. "I'm so sorry, Josh."

"These aren't your fault. You shouldn't be sorry."

"That doesn't matter. I'm still sorry." I brought my hand back to my lap. "Can I show you mine?"

"Only if you want to. Don't do it because you think that you have to."

"I want to," I said. I removed my shirt and threw it onto the ground. I let out a deep breath before removing my pajama pants. I looked down at the scars that were scattered along my thighs, waist, and hips. I couldn't look at Josh. I was too afraid of what the look on his face could be.

"Tyler, I was so wrong about you," he breathed out. I willed myself to look at him and immediately regretted it. Seeing his sadness caused my tears to fall. I held my face in my hands and let the my cries out.