Down in the Forest || Joshler [Completed]

6- Save

**Trigger Warning***
-----

Josh, can I play you a song?" He looked up from the scars on my thighs and nodded. I hopped off of his bunk and the cold air made me hyper aware of the situation. A flood of self- consciousness and anxiety filled me and I slid my pajama pants back on. I unzipped my bag and pulled my ukulele out and grabbed my notebook from its hiding place under my mattress. I handed the things to Josh before pulling myself back up to where he was.

"Here," he said, sniffling, and handing me my ukulele. I smiled back at him before opening the notebook to a song.

"Don't laugh if it sucks or I suck."

"You won't suck," Josh reassured me. I took a deep breath before beginning. This song was originally meant for piano, but it would have to work on the ukulele.

I won't take much of your time
I just want you to see
What I have made inside these lines
It's as good as I can be

I shut my eyes as I sang and let the music flow through me freely. I forgot about Josh and my nerves. All there was was the music and me.

Head tilted down
Knees on the ground
All I will ask
Please, save
Save me

I usually scream this part, but I kept it quiet and reserved. This wasn't the right time to go full out. This time was different.

I deserve for you to turn away
I was ashamed to speak your name
I can't believe that all you see
Is that you have covered me gracefully

As the chorus began again, I knew that my voice was cracking in places. I tried to cover myself, but there was no use.

I won't take much of your time
Just enough for you to save me

I sat for a moment, trembling, with my eyes screwed shut. I felt strong, bare arms wrap around my shirtless torso and I let my eyes flutter open. When I realized what was happening, I hugged Josh back. I buried my face into his shoulder and he did the same to me. I felt tears wet my back and I knew I was doing the same to him.

Suddenly, what had happened before didn't matter. I forgot about what he thought of me, and so did he. All I thought about was how soft his skin was and how warm he was. His pleasant scent filled my nose and I giggled into his skin. He did the same and pulled away. I wiped my tears, looking away from him.

"Thank you, Tyler."

"For what?"

"For singing for me. For trusting me." I looked deep into his eyes and noticed a hint of green I'd never seen before.

"You sound like my therapist," I said, trying to lighten the mood. Josh laughed before settling into a comfortable silence.

"Why do you do that when you sing?" He asked, quietly.

"Do what?"

"Why do you twitch like that?" I grew anxious and immediately regretted singing for him. I regretted showing him. "I don't mean for that to sound rude! I was just wondering. You don't have to answer that." He must've seen the panic on my face.

"Um, I-I don't really know why. It just happens when there is all of that emotion being let out, I guess." He smiled knowingly in response. I calmed down and looked down at my hands as they were wrapped tightly around my ukulele.

"How was I so wrong about you?" he asked.

"It's okay, Josh."

"No, it's not. I judged you before I knew you and assumed that I'd hate you. I don't hate you." He frowned at me and all I wanted to do was make it disappear and have it never return. I kept my eyes on his lips for longer than I meant to, admiring their shape and how soft they looked.

"It's okay," I restated, making sure he knew I wasn't just saying that. It was okay. "You had every right to think of me the way you did. What I did to Ryan." I paused and looked away, trying to forget the memory of what I've done. "That was not okay. I hated me for it, too."

"But you didn't do it because you wanted to. It wasn't even just you. It was mostly the other guys. You barely took part in it."

"But I still had something to do with it. I still blame myself for it, just like you did." I looked over at Josh and his head was turned away. He knew that I was right. "You didn't answer me when I asked how Ryan was. What happened to him?"

"Tyler, I-" Josh started.

"Tell me," I cut him off. When he hesitated I knew what happened. I had to hear him say it though. I needed it to be known for sure. He sighed before speaking.

"Ryan killed himself." Those words leaving Josh's mouth seemed to fly at me and stab into my chest. A feeing of being suffocated took over and I dropped my head. Tears filled my eyes and spilled over. "Tyler, it wasn't your fault." Josh kept talking, but I didn't hear the rest. All I could hear was my blood pounding in my ears and my rough breathing.

I did that. I made Ryan kill himself. I was so terrible to him that he took his own life. I made his life hell. I made him feel what I feel. I wouldn't wish my feelings on anyone. Not even my enemies.

My breathing wouldn't normalize and my hands shook worse than they ever had. I tried to hang on but things were becoming blurrier. I reached out for something, anything, and grasped onto Josh's leg. He was rubbing my back and saying things that I couldn't comprehend. Things grew darker and darker until, all of a sudden, there was nothing.