Down in the Forest || Joshler [Completed]

19- Pressed

***Trigger Warning***
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"Are you okay?" Josh asked. I looked up from my hands and realized that I had been sitting silently for a while. Well, I was silent. My thoughts were screaming.

"Um, y-yea," I stuttered.

"Are you sure?"

"Yea."

"Okay," he said, not fully believing me. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," I said, smiling.

"Have you forgiven yourself? For Ryan?" My smile vanished. For a moment, I just sat there. Had I?

"I don't think so. Not completely at least. I'm trying, though." Josh nodded in response and looked away at the flowers surrounding us. "I don't know how."

"One thing my parents had me do that helped was to say what happened out loud and realize how little I was involved. Maybe you could try that."

"I don't know," I said, shakily. "Won't talking about it just remind me of all I've done that I've been trying so hard to forget?"

"Tyler, forgetting won't make you forgive yourself."

"Okay. It was May of last year. Matt, Liam, and AJ told me that they had a surprise for me, so I followed them to the sports supply closet. When we got there, it was dark and they shoved me inside. I banged on the door and tried to get out, but they just told me to turn on the light. When I did, I saw-" I stopped. My mouth was dried out and I coughed.

"It's okay," Josh said, grabbing my hands in his. "You're doing good." I nodded before continuing.

"I-I saw that Ryan was in there, too. I was really confused and I asked the guys why I was in there. They told me that I had to take R-Ryan's clothes and, um, cover h-him in r-red paint and then chase him into the gymnasium during the assembly. I asked them why and they just laughed at me. I asked them to l-let me out and they said that if I didn't do it, they would come in and do it to both of us and then kick me off of the basketball team. I-I need basketball, Josh." I was trying my hardest not to cry, taking sharp breaths between my words. "So, I told Ryan that I was sorry and- and he took his clothes off, crying the whole time. He just- He wouldn't stop crying." I finally broke free of my restraint into loud, choked out sobs. My whole body was shaking. I felt so weak. I felt like shit.

"It's okay, Tyler," Josh whispered, trying to calm me down. He pulled me into his arms and I cried into his chest, soaking his hoodie.

"It's n-not ok-ay," I hiccuped. "I-I hurt him so b-bad to prot-ect myself. He did-n't deserve it. He did n-nothing wrong."

"I-I'm sorry," Josh said, holding me tighter, my nose pressed to his chest. "I shouldn't have made you talk about it." I didn't answer. I wasn't mad at Josh and I didn't want him to think that I was, but I couldn't speak. I just nuzzled my head closer into his shoulder and tried to stop my tears.

Once I was calmed down, I turned my head so it was rested comfortably against Josh. I kept my eyes shut and just took deep breaths.

In
Out

"I'm sorry, Tyler."

In
Out

"Don't be."

In
Out

I pulled myself off of Josh's shoulder so that I could look at him. He kept his arms around me. He lifted one of his hands and adjusted the flower that was behind my ear. I smiled lightly at the gesture. His hand moved to rest on my cheek and I felt my face heat up. He pulled my face towards his slightly.

Before I could think, Josh's lips were on mine. I froze in surprise. I was about to kiss him back when he pulled away quickly.

"Um, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. You're vulnerable right now. I don't want to take advantage of that."

"Oh, um, uh, okay," I said. He removed his arms from around me and I scooted away. I looked down at my hands, awkwardly, as they tangled themselves with the blanket beneath me.

"Um, it's late. We should probably go back." I just nodded and stood up. I grabbed my things and watched as Josh folded up the blanket. He looked at me and smiled before starting down the path back to camp.

Josh kissed me. He kissed me. He kissed me.

When we got to the cabin, Josh held the door open for me. I thanked him and walked over to our bunk bed. I removed the flower from behind my ear and twirled it between my fingers, smiling down at it. I sighed and placed it in my notebook, pressed between the pages of the song I sang to Josh. I put it where it belonged.

Lovely