Down in the Forest || Joshler [Completed]

13- Shouts in the Night

***Trigger Warning***
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I sat on the railing of our cabin's porch, staring up at all of the stars. The lights above reminded me of just how small we truly were. We were just as insignificant as all of the constellations.

"Hey," a soft voice said. I turned and faced Josh. He walked outside and closed the door lightly behind him.

"Hi," I said, turning back to the sky.

"Can we talk now?"

"Sure," I agreed, not taking my gaze off of the lights above. He sat next to me and I could feel his eyes on the side of my face. Still, I didn't shift my attention.

"I heard what you said to Jordan. About the guilt. I know that that was about Ryan. You can't let it eat you up, Tyler." He placed a hand on my leg and I turned to face him.

"I have to. It's my fault that he's dead." My voice cracked on the last word and I bit my tongue.

"It's not your fault. You didn't put the gun in his hand."

"But I gave him the ammo." I looked down at my hands. I couldn't look at Josh's concerned face anymore. "If I hadn't been so terrible to him, he never would've killed himself." I tried to hold back the cries that fought out. I didn't deserve to cry. I was wrong. I messed up. I'm not allowed to cry.

"It wasn't your fault," he repeated. He sounded like a broken record and his message was just as lousy.

"Stop saying that!" I shouted. Josh shushed me and pulled me off of the railing. He pulled my arm and led me into the woods. "Where are we going?" We went deeper and deeper until we finally stopped at a clearing. It was growing colder as the sun was setting above us.

"I can't stop saying it," he resumed. "It's the truth. I'm gonna say it until you believe it."

"Josh! Don't you get it? Ryan died."

"You think that I don't know that, Tyler?" Josh snapped. He shook his head at me and took a step closer. "He was my friend. We told each other everything. I was supposed to be there for him. I felt like such a failure of a friend for so long after his death. But, I finally realized that it wasn't my fault. No one could've stopped him." He wiped away a tear and turned away from me, scanning the tree line.

"I'm sure that hurt, but you didn't hurt him!" I yelled at his back. Not having to see his face gave me a new strength. "I made his life hell!"

"Tyler," Josh said, voice broken. He sniffled and I shut my jaw tight. I didn't want him to turn around. I couldn't see what I had caused. But, he did turn around. I saw the tears on his face and his quivering bottom lip. Seeing him cry and knowing that I was the cause tore down my false sense of 'strength'. I broke into loud sobs. I let my head fall into my hands as I shook violently, screaming in fear and pain and shame. I wanted to disappear. I felt his hand on my shoulder and I shoved it away. I didn't deserve to be comforted.

I fought desperately to regain what composure I could muster up. I took sharp and empty breaths and wiped at my eyes furiously.

"Josh," I somehow managed to say. I looked up from my hands and at him. "I know that you want me to listen to you. I know that you want me to stop blaming myself. I need you to know that I'm trying. I'm trying to forgive myself, but it's so hard. It's so hard to just go around normally like nothing happened. But please know that I want to try." He nodded his head but his face didn't change from its sad expression. I sighed and looked around. It was nearly black outside now. There was moonlight on us in the clearing but I was sure we wouldn't be able to see anything in the trees. "Do you have a flashlight?" He didn't answer for a moment. He just stood and stared at me.

"I, um, have my phone," he finally replied, pulling it out of his pocket. He turned on its flashlight and we began into the forest.

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A/N
I'm really sorry for how much time it took to update. I wasn't allowed to update until I finished my AP summer assignment.
BUT ITS DONE NOW YAY