Tortured Within (Jack Barakat)

Chapter Thirteen

I squinted as I slowly opened my eyes, looking at the window. I saw it was 11:30 AM. I felt Jack tighten his grip on me. Being embraced by his arms made me feel so secure and safe. It was just a comforting feeling and I hated when it would end. 

"Morning." he said in his sleepy voice and rested his chin on my shoulder. I could feel him smile against the back of my neck.  

I turned over so I could face Jack, making sure to keep his arms around me. We looked into each others eyes before we slowly brought our lips together. I loved kissing him. We'd been doing a lot of it the past week and every time, I felt that same feeling I felt that night. 

Jack lifted me gently so I was on top of him and held me close to him. I rolled my hips against his and gently bit down on his neck, causing him to let out a small groan. I went back to kiss his lips as he slowly shifted himself to being on top of me. He started lifting up my shirt and it was all going well until I started getting flashbacks. I was suddenly filled with panic and I tried just brushing it off, but I couldn't. I wanted to let go of this. I should be able to do these things without getting terrified. Jack must have noticed because he stopped and got off of me to lie next to me. This wasn't the first time this had happened. It's happened a few other times during the week. 

"I'm sorry." I said, looking away and pulling my shirt down. I hadn't realized, but my hands were shaking. 

"Baby, calm down." he said, gently holding on to my hands. "Don't be sorry. It's fine, really." 

"But I keep doing this. It's not that I don't want to - it's just I can't." I said. 

"Like I said, it's fine. I understand. I want you to be comfortable. I don't want you to rush into anything." he said. "I should get ready for work anyways." 

And just like that, he quickly pecked me on the lips and left the room. I'm so damn stupid. Why can't I just get over it and let go? I wish I never had any memories of that. I wish it had never happened. I don't care how many times he said it was, it wasn't fine. I'd lead him on and just end up rejecting him. 

Realizing how tired I was, I just decided to pull the covers over me and fell back asleep.  

______ 

I woke up frightened and breathing was difficult. I wish these fucking nightmares would stop. This time it was Jack on top of me and out of nowhere his face changed to that man's. I escaped and then I was chased by him. It was horrible. 

 I looked at the time on my phone. It was 2:30 PM. Jack would be gone by now. I was all alone to deal with all of this. I didn't like him seeing me like this, though.  

The next few hours were torturous. I tried everything I could to calm down, but here I was pacing back and forth and still shaking. I rarely have anxiety this bad and it's been a while since it actually has been. I didn't care anymore that I shouldn't coping in unhealthy ways. I went to the fridge and took out a bottle of vodka. I drank straight from the bottle and it burned my throat. I didn't care. I continued drinking it until everything got dizzy. It had to have been thirty minutes when I started crying hysterically. Everything was a mess and I could not think straight.  

Suddenly, I had that very nauseated feeling. I quickly stumbled into the bathroom and fell to my knees in front of the toilet right before vomiting into it. My throat burned and I cried more.  

"Marley, I'm home." I could faintly hear Jack say before I threw up again. 

"Marley? Was that you?" I heard again. I couldn't respond and I just sat there crying. God, the smell was awful and I must have looked like such a mess, but I was too drunk to even care.  

"Marley! What's wrong?" I heard Jack say as he kneeled beside me. "Did you drink all that vodka? Over half the bottle is missing! Why are you crying?"  

"I-I'm sor-sorry." I stuttered.  

"What happened?" he asked. I had that feeling in my stomach again and more of that bitter tasting vomit came up. I could feel Jack put his hand on my back, which was a bit comforting, but could not stop me from crying. 

"He-he is g-going to g-get m-me."  

"Whoa, Marley, calm down. He's not going to get you. Nobody's going to get you. Please just stop crying." he said with a shaky voice. There was this frightened look on his face. 

"He ruined m-my li-life. I'm so t-tired of everything. Let me die!"  

"Don't say that. You don't mean that last part. I never want to hear you say that again. Now you're going to let me clean you up, alright?"  

I leaned my head against the wall and watched him as he stood up, going over to the sink. My vision got more blurry by the second and then I saw nothing at all.