Tortured Within (Jack Barakat)

Chapter Twenty-Two

I've been at Jack's for a couple of weeks now and I've only been sleeping about half of the time. The only reason I stayed was because I didn't want to keep using and increase my chance of dying, so I needed someone to look after me to make sure I didn't wander off to a party. My parents could say all they wanted about me not leaving, but I knew I would have still left if told no. 

Jack and I made a deal that I'd stay here and that we'd try to slowly make things right again. Even though we kissed, I had made it clear I wanted us to be distant for a while, but he'd still act like we were in a happy relationship. I was against sleeping next to each other, so I said I'd sleep on the couch, but he insisted I sleep in the bed while he slept on his couch. It's not like I would have slept either way, though. Here I was, just listening to music on my phone at three in the morning. I actually hadn't slept in two days. I was tired, but no matter what I did, I couldn't fall asleep. I would either be too sad or too anxious or too tempted to do something self destructive. I knew sure as hell I could sneak out right now and find a party to get high and drunk at since Jack was asleep, but I wasn't going to do that.  

"Why are you awake?" I heard Jack ask over my music. 

"I can't sleep." I said, shrugging and pausing my music before taking out my headphones. "What are you doing in here?" 

"Uh, I don't know. I woke up about an hour ago and I can't fall back asleep." He said and stood there awkwardly, as if asking if he could sit on the bed without actually saying anything. 

"Yes you can sit." I said, sitting up myself as he sat next to me. 

"Whoa, no shirt?" He said. I had honestly forgotten I wasn't wearing a shirt, just a bra. I quickly brought the blanket up to cover myself. 

"I'm hot, shut up." I said. 

"Oh, you definitely are." He said, lowering his voice. 

"Fuck off." I said, pushing him gently and laughing a bit. He stopped talking and so it became silent. 

"What?" I said, asking why he'd stopped talking. 

"Nothing." He said quietly. "I'm tired." 

"Try sleeping again." I said. 

"I can't." He said before pausing. "I miss you." 

"Jack," I said silently. 

"I know. I'll go back now." He said, getting up and walking towards the door. 

"Jack, wait." I said. 

"What?" He asked, turning around. I paused for a minute. I wanted to let him sleep next to me, but I couldn't. 

"Nothing, never mind." I said and lied back down. 

"Alright, goodnight." He said, turning back around and walking out of the door. "I love you." 

I fucking hated this. I wanted him, but I found it hard to forgive him. Well, I did do worse than what he did, but it was after he told me. Did that count as cheating? I had considered him and I to be broken up so I don't think it did, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt him. I sighed and closed my eyes, trying to fall asleep even though I knew it would be pointless. It would be another sleepless night. 

______ 

Surprisingly, I did end up sleeping. Not for long, though. I woke up in a panic and I had difficulty breathing. I was crying before I even noticed that I was.  

"Marley?" I heard someone say calmly before they touched my shoulders. This caused me to panic more, though. 

"Stop it! Stop! I said stop! I said no!" I yelled out and pushed him away. 

"Marley! Calm down,  it's just me, Jack. It's alright! Calm down." He said. 

"Jack." I said. "I had a really bad nightmare. I thought I was done dreaming about this." 

"Shh," He said and gently held on to me. "You're safe. Nobody's going to hurt you." 

"The whole thing was horrible. First, I was with you and we got in this huge argument. You had said you were tired of me and you couldn't deal with me anymore and that you didn't want me, so I left. I had walked around and then that fucking man," I had to stop. I couldn't continue.  

"Marley, I would never say those things to you. You know that, right? And you'll never see him again, okay? He'll never hurt you ever again." He said. 

"I know, but I'm so fucking stupid. I'm sorry, Jack. I know that you're sorry for what you did. I know you wish you had never done it, and that's enough for me, but I had to go and fuck everything up. I did all those drugs and I was with all those guys and I'm so sorry, Jack. I'm horrible, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you have to deal with me. I don't know why you even-" 

"Marley, stop. Stop it. You're not horrible. If I thought that, I wouldn't even be here next to you. I love you so much. All those things you did, it doesn't matter. You had the strength to pick yourself back up and you stayed here to make sure you wouldn't hurt yourself. You even continued going to your therapy sessions. I'm proud of you. Now calm down. There's nothing to be so upset about. I love you." Jack said. 

"But-" I couldn't finish because he had cut me off by pressing his lips against mine. After a few seconds, I had calmed down and I kissed him back. We slowly pulled away and although it was dark, I could see into his eyes. Jack alone was enough to know that everything was okay. 

"I love you." I told him for the first time since that day he took me to that field. Through the darkness, I could see his soft smile that still warmed my heart every time he did.  

So we fell asleep in each other's arms, and I finally felt like everything was right again.