Barely alive

The saviors I needed part 27

I lay bunched up in a corner on the floor. I had nothing to do and the only thing on my mind was suicide. Everyone was out per usual so their was no one to stop me. Quickly to distract myself I opened up my laptop and began typing. I simply typed the word suicide into google. It was the only thing I could think of to do and a website called the 'Samaritans' turned up.

My first email to them was answered on the 8th of December 2015. The morning after I sent the first one. It read:

Hi Charlie

Thanks for your email. We're pleased that you've taken the
step of contacting us. We're here for you to talk about how
difficulties in your life might make you feel.

We're sorry that you've been feeling depressed lately. You
mention that this might be for personal reasons. Are you able
to talk any more about what those reasons are?

You say that you're scared of what you might do. Can you say
a little more of what you mean?

You can email about anything which distresses you, Charlie - we
won't judge you or tell you what to do, but we will listen
and try to support you while you're going through this
difficult time in your life.

Over December and during Christmas I emailed the Samaritans non stop.

11th December 2015

Hi Charlie,

Although you were abused by your great uncle and feel let down by your parents
you come over as very protective and caring around your Mum and Dad and
sister.
But you tell us that you had a serious breakdown last year, that you've
started self harming again and that you're scared it might lead to suicide.
So you are very brave in writing to us.

You want to tell your parents but feel you can't. It must feel desperate if
you think you have to bury the hurt within you and keep it there forever. But
you don't Charlie. Maybe you know this and that's why you're telling us and
looking for help. You say you've no idea how your sister remains happy and
positive. Do you get on well? Does she know you get very down?

Samaritans is totally confidential and we don't see your email address.
Childline on the other hand do have a duty of care. This means that they may
refer a child on if they think she or he is in danger. We are sure they can
help you with specific advice. So please contact them and tell them that your
Dad works in the community and that confidentiality is especially important to
you.

And write to us again too. Or call us. If you are in the UK we have a
freecall number: 116123.

Samaritans had started to try and persuade me too tell Laura about how I was dealing but I still wasn't sure.

13th December 2015

Hi Charlie

It sounds as though you have thought about how you will be
approaching your friend and talking through how you are
feeling. This sounds like a positive step.

You mention that you know that the abuse was not your fault but
still feel responsible, could you tell me more about why you
feel this way?

December went quickly, the library was full of music and Christmas cheer and I put on the same mask per usual.

20th December 2015

Hi Charlie,

It's a shame that you don't feel able to accept that you are a good person - your personality
certainly show that you are a caring family member and friend.

You mention that your whole world slowed down after the car drove past you, would
you like to tell us a bit more about this?

How has today been? Are you still visiting your nan tomorrow, and how are you
feeling about that?

As mentioned before, we are here for you. Please do keep in contact if you find it
helpful.

Take care

The Christmas tree lights lighted up the house every evening and a few presents began to find their way under the decorated tree.

22nd December 2015

Hi Charlie
We are wondering what your relationship is like with your sister and if you could trust
her. In a previous e.mail it was mentioned that she may have been hurt as well and
therefore understand what your going through. If this is the case perhaps you could talk to
your mum together as the next step.

Please do not think of yourself as a bad person either as said before because that is what
an abuser is .You were a very young child and that type of person is very manipulative and
sly. Sadly this type of thing is quite common and parents are usually completely unaware of
what is going on. It does seem however that you want to try and start to take control of
your life and we will support you though this.

Do keep in touch and let us know how you are getting on.

Take care and do not put yourself down.

Christmas eve Phoebe messaged me and started having a go at me again and I then realized I was done with her for the rest of the holidays simply done.

25th December 2015

Hi Charlie

We are glad to hear that you feel quite good at the moment, and that you had the wisdom
to just turn off your tablet when your friend started to upset you.

Please continue to contact us to share your thoughts and feelings if you find that it is
helping you.

Take care

That was the last time I messaged the Samaritans and even though I didn't realise it at the time I was now on the road to recovery.